University of California Irvine students decided that they no longer want to be Americans, but rather communists from a repressive country like Russia and China. They showed their unity when they supported a ban on the United States flag in the lobby of public buildings because it might make illegal aliens feel bad. In unrelated news, Pampers announced that they will be marketing adult-sized diapers and will target Irvine, California as a test market.
French reality television began filming a new show in Argentina that involves throwing Olympians from a helicopter and then crashing the helicopter. To their surprise, they all died, and the show was quietly cancelled.
Maryland Congresswoman Donna Edwards announced her candidacy for the seat being vacated by Senator Barbara Mikulski. Her campaign logo included the Virginia portion of the Delmarva peninsula leading to speculation that by the grace of God Almighty, Maryland and her allies from Delaware plan to attack and rightly conquer this portion of the King's Dominion.
A German discount airline crashed into the Alps after the copilot locked the pilot out of the cockpit and intentionally crashing the plane. This proves once again that terrorists should not be left alone in the cockpit of an airplane.
Washington, D.C. Congresswoman proves time and time again why she is an arrogant senile piece of shit. This home video catches her scraping another car and she wantonly parks in a diagonal parking spot in wrong direction.
In the NCAA tournament, West Virginia head Coach Bob Huggin's daughters sent out racist and bigoted messages over Twitter about Maryland players, calling one a rapist. I guess what they say about people in West Virginia is true, guh-huck. Well, Karma is a bitch and she doesn't like rednecks like Jenna Leigh Huggins. Kentucky DESTROYED West Virginia in the Sweet 16 78-39. Blahahahahaha!!!!
Legendary 98 Rock personality Sarah Fleisher announced her retirement. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame member has been on the air at 98 Rock since its inception. You'll recognize her by her raspy smokers' voice. We wish her a happy retirement.