Friday, January 29, 2010

Kohl's - Ugh

I got my latest credit card statement from Kohl's and apparently I paid last month's bill twice. Kohl's allows you to schedule a payment and normally I do that. When it's due they take the money from checking account. Last month I got an email that said my payment was due. I didn't remember scheduling a payment and went online to check. I couldn't find that I had scheduled one, so I paid the $179 balance.

Today I see that I have a $179 credit. I did some investigating. If I would like the money back, I will have to request it and I will receive it in approximately 3 months. 3 MONTHS!!!! Why in the cuss does it take Kohl's 3 months to give me a credit to my account? If I was late paying them for 3 months they'd sock my with high late fees.

I should send them a letter and use the same BS language they use in their user agreements:

Please accept this as the new terms of my account. If I do not hear from you within 30 seconds of your receipt of this letter, the terms become effective immediately. For any amount paid in access of the account balance, Kohl's will pay the holder of this account 35% interest per annum due on the last day of the month. Additionally, attractive young associates will accompany me on my next shopping excursion, laugh at all of my jokes, put their arms around me and tell me how awesome I am.

Kohl's. Now that's more like it!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Google Ads - Hysterical

If you're really dumb, then you probably don't realize that this is a conservative blog. But I trust that my readers are smart. Google Ads, which appear on the left side of my blog (which you should click on multiple times per visit!!!) tries to incorporate relevant ads based on the content of my blog. So why did I get an advertisement helping Barbara Boxer, the hysterical left-wing crusader in California? I find it hysterical!!!

Obama: State of the Union Tonight

President Obama is prepared to give his State of the Union address on every television station tonight except for the Cartoon Network and HGTV. Most of his speech will be political partisan rhetoric, but for Blockbuster, Netflix, and Red Box, they don't mind. Tonight will be a boon for them.

Many are expecting President Obama to move more toward the center in his political dealings. Obama is an intelligent man. He is not only doing this after nearly falling off of the left-side of the political spectrum cliff, but this comes on the heals of Democrats being pummeled in elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and Massachusetts; Massachusetts being one of the most liberal, if not the most liberal state in the country, electing a Republican as a U.S. Senator. Ted Kennedy is surely rolling over in his sunken Thunderbird.

Despite offering his daughters up for prostitution in his acceptance speech, Scott Brown's election has sent a strong message to Democrats. If they continue with their evil ways, not only will they lose the House and Senate in this year's election, many Democrats may be looking for work in November. The American public is not stupid. They've messed up a couple of times on American Idol, but they know that spending trillions of dollars on wasteful government programs is going to bankrupt this country and leave our future highly in jeopardy.

The White House is sending signals that Obama wants to stop spending (what a great idea!), and help businesses get into a position where they hire more people (splendid!). This is a 180° turn from the current liberal philosophy of 'tax corporations into poverty and create government programs and jobs at the expense of everyone else'.

Other predictions about Obama's new-found political leanings - he will want to reduce taxes, limit abortions, limit union influence in the workplace, protect American jobs, limit government dependency programs and adopt programs that encourage people to work, loosen gun control, allow people to return to Church, Temple, and Synagogue without fear, allow educators to teach things that children need to know rather than teach government-mandated test-taking skills, control illegal immigration, and protect the liberties of Americans.

Additionally, he will tell Harry Reid that he's a racist nut and he needs to retire, Nancy Pelosi needs to back off on the face lifts, Botox injections, and socialist agenda, and that Joe Wilson was right.

Who knows? It could happen. I mean, Nancy Pelosi was selected to be Speaker of the House. This proves that even the most unreasonable of miracles can happen.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Air America Crashed and Burned

Air America, the liberal news radio station, not to be confused with the CIA radio that pours into foreign countries, shut down today. Does anyone feel bad about this?

The station, made familiar, but not popular, with such liberal extremists such as Al Frankin and Rachel Maddow, the verbally violent and volitile lesbian, has to shut down because basically nobody listens to it and they can no longer get advertising dollars to support it.

Created to compete with conservative talk radio hosts such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Ron Smith (I had to throw that in there), the station struggled from its infancy. Air America saw several management shake-ups and filed for bankruptcy in 2006 with mounting debts.

However, being super liberal and pro-abortion, these folks should not be too upset that they had to kill their baby.

Unfortunately, Al Frankin is now wreacking havoc in Minnesota and Washington, D.C. as a U.S. Senator and Rachel Maddow is spewing her hatred across liberal cable channel MSNBC. But, you know what they say - All bad things must come to an end. Bye-bye Air America!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Massachusetts Exit Poll

In a race that could shock not only Massachusetts, but the entire United States Senate, it appears that Republican Senatorial candidate Scott Brown is edging out Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, the potentially new liberal lapdog of racist Senate Leader Harry Reid.

Could this be another chance for the general public to tell the Congress that their socialized healthcare plan sucks? We already saw Virginia and New Jersey kick out Democrats in a sure sign of protest.

My sources in Massachusetts indicate that the liberals are hanging out in the taverns eating chowda, while the conservatives are thronging to the polls (is that an grammatically clause?).

Obama showed up in Massachusetts the other day to help make Coakley look good, but it may have been the icing on the cake. In what was a 50-50 tie in early polling is showing a 55-45 exit poll in actual voting.

On a funny note, the host of MSNBC's liberal propaganda show, Countdown With Keith Olbermann, Keith Olbermann, is so fired up that has repeatedly peed his pants today and is threatening to call everyone a racist unless the Justice Department nullifies the election and lets him choose the candidate.

What's sad is that all Congress had to do was change some laws on healthcare, such as make preexisting conditions illegal and relax the requirements to get on Medicaid. Had they done that we'd be done talking about this. But instead, Congress wants to re-engineer the entire system and screw the entire population.

I saw a t-shirt on an old man that said, "Shove it down my throat in 2009 and I'll stick it in your ass in 2010!"

For the record, the last Republican to win an election in Massachusetts is Edward Brooke in 1967.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Book of Eli(jah Cummings)

One of the leading Democrats from Maryland, Elijah Cummings, is outraged. He is outraged by the actions of a celebrated American. He said this person needs to do a lot to restore his credibility. This person has disgraced his profession. And now Congressman Cummings is demanding that this person speak to young people about making careless decisions.

Nope. Elijah Cummings is not talking about the racists comments by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. He's talking about Mark McGwuire's use of steroids. Who knew that a Democrat making racists statements is less damaging than a baseball player person taking steroids and playing baseball?

Cummings was outraged when Trent Lott flippantly said that we'd be in a better position if we had elected segregationist Democrat Strom Thurmond as President back in the 1940's. But he's not outraged at Reid's statements.

So my conclusion is that if you're a Democrat and you're a racist, Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings will turn a blind eye. If you're a baseball player and you take steroids, Elijah Cummings is outraged.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Harford County Teachers Cry Foul

Teachers in Harford County Maryland are crying foul to a plan to reduce the budget for salaries by 2%. The Harford County government is facing a $12 million budget shortfall and cuts need to be made somewhere.

Teachers reacted with outrage saying that a cut in pay would be demoralizing. However, I find it difficult to have any sympathy for them. Here at American Amalgamated Corrugated Conglomerates of America, we went through an 8% reduction in staff last year. 8%!!!! Several hundred people were laid off. When private companies do not have enough revenue to support the staff levels, then staff must be reduced. It's a fact of life. No one wants to fire employees. But in order to save everyone else's job, some people must be terminated.

I have been laid off twice in my life and don't get me wrong - I was angrier than an ugly TV reporter whose romantic advances were rejected by a Maryland governor. It sucks. And I hated those companies. But I know they had to do it. And I'm better off for it now.

Unfortunately, when dealing with unions or public sector jobs, or in this case both, there is no understanding, just outrage when the budget must be balanced. And the best part is that I'm pretty sure that Harford County will not be able to get rid of the teachers that suck. Union rules probably prevent that. Instead they will have to get rid of young teachers - regardless if they are awesome teachers or not. Merit does not matter in a union. Good luck!

What Harry Reid Said. What I heard.

In a nutshell, Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada said that Obama was an acceptable candidate for President because he was a light skinned black and only spoke with a Negro dialect when he wanted to.

However, this is what I hear: Harry Reid said that people that speak with a Negro dialect would be unable to be elected to President. Harry Reid says that the following people would not be acceptable as President of the United States because they are darker skinned:


Roland Burress (D-Illinois) - though I don't think he belongs there in the first place


Elijah Cummings (D- Maryland)
Jim Clyburn (D-South Carolina)
Al Green (D-Texas)
Charles Rangel (D-New York) - though he belongs in jail for his voluminous ethics violations
Bennie Thompson (D-Mississippi)
Hank Johnson (D-Georgia)

And the list goes on and on. So where's the outrage? Of course the only outrage you'll find is coming from Fox News and the Republicans. The apologist networks like ABC, CBS, MSNBC are allowing Harry Reid to pass go and collect $200. MSNBC leads the story with Obama defending Reid. Dude - he just gave you a backhanded compliment. That's okay???

We all know that if a Republican had said this, he would have been forced to resign and he'd probably be in jail right now. Does anyone else find it ironic that the political party that cries 'racist' can itself be racist and it's okay?

I think Harry Reid would be an acceptable ex-Senator because he's a lying, deceitful, racist, bigotted, self-serving, old white man.

2009 - A Year In Review

This is way late, but like Martin O'Malley, I think we should just keep moving forward.


Chesley Sullenburger successfully lands a Charlotte-bound United Airlines Airbus A320 in the Hudson River after a double bird-strike over New York City. No passengers were injured and Sully is hailed as a hero. No word from United Airlines if the Hudson River will be a permanent layover stop for North Carolina-bound flights.

Americans saw the 43rd different man who was raised by a white woman to be sworn in as President of the United States. Obama quickly stated, "remember all those promises I made? Psych!!!"

Blogger Eludius goes under the knife to repair a hernia. He is forced to stay home from work for nearly 2 weeks, sleep, and watch dozens of movies. Eludius then spends the rest of the year trying to get additional hernias.

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon is indicted on 12 counts including perjury, theft, and misconduct. She ducks the critics and gives the O'Malley-esque ambiguous rhetoric that she needs to keep the city moving forward. Meanwhile, hundreds of poor children go without the toys as Mayor Dixon buys thousands of dollars worth of bling for herself.

Nadya Suleman, an only-child better known as the Octomom, gives birth to 316 babies at one time. She already has 75 children and hopes to have more. Her goal is to house an entire elementary school in her vagina.


The hated Pittsburgh Steelers won the 43rd Super Bowl defeating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23. Fortunately for viewers, half-time performer Bruce Springsteen did not have any wardrobe malfunctions.

Former Congressman Tom Daschle withdrawals his name for Secretary of Health and Human Services after it is revealed that he doesn't like to pay taxes. However, Timothy Geithner, who also didn't pay his taxes, is nominated and confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury, the cabinet position that is in charge of money, without question.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez admits to using performance enhancing steroids, but Major League Baseball declines to punish him because of his continued collapse in the playoffs.

President Obama announces that he is setting a date to end the war in Iraq. By 2752 all American soldiers will be out of the country.


President Obama quickly follows up his target date to end the war in Iraq by declaring a surge in the war in Afghanistan. Throngs of cheering liberals suddenly fall silent.

Later in the month President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declare the U.S. will spend $40 million to ensure that the elections in Afghanistan are free, safe, just, and that our guy gets elected.


World leaders at the G20 conference rally and commit to spending $1.1 trillion to fix the financial crisis. AIG gets most of that and promptly uses the money to pay their top executives million dollar bonuses.

North Korean President Kim Jong-Il is elected to his 5th term as President by the North Korean Parliament. Kim claimed that the entire North Korean army being inside Parliament at the time of the election in no way influenced the voting.

Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich is indicted on 16 felony counts of corruption for selling Obama's U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. Blogojevich is forced out of office and into a career in reality television shows, but the winning bidder, Roland Burris, is allowed to stay in office.

The University of North Carolina wins the men's NCAA Basketball Championship. I have nothing funny to say about it, other than my wife is making me put this on the list as she is a 1994 Tar Heel graduate.

The United States declares a public health emergency over the swine flu. Though some people die, millions of others get a mild flu-like symptoms that include temperatures and a sore throat, so they stay home from school or work and are forced to watch Drew Carey destroy what was The Price is Right.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announces his retirement after he fell off of the left-side of the bench. You may recall that the Socialist-sympathizing Souter wrote the opinion that the government has the right to confiscate your property and use it for other purposes if it will generate more tax revenue.

Unemployment reaches 8.5% while General Motors announces that it will scrap Pontiac. Instead, GM will focus on producing geriatric-centric vehicles like Buick and Chevrolet. GM then continues to lose ground in the auto industry and has no idea why.


The United States Senate passes tough new credit card laws designed to regulate the industry. Eager to beat the deadline before the law goes into effect, credit card companies dump millions of deadbeats and jack up interest rates to 75% on all of the other chumps.


Several days away from summer, the hated Pittsburgh Penguins won Lord Stanley's Cup in the NHL championship, defeating the Detroit Red Wings 4 games to 3. Sidney Crosby considered the best hockey player ever by ESPN, continued to prove that he is the 2nd best player on the team after Evgeni Malkin who totaled 36 points in the playoffs. It was 30° on the ice, but 80° outside. Several delusional Pittsburgh fans start cheering "Pittsburgh, city of champions!", but fortunately the Pirates still suck.

Also in June the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in the NBA championship. In a pre-tournament meeting the NBA referees decided to let the Lakers win after a 5 gave series and that Kobe Bryant would be allowed to foul as much as needed in order to get enough points to earn the MVP award. The referees and the NBA denied any wrong-doing.

Men who were teenagers in the late 1970's and early 1980's mourned the death of actress and poster-model Farrah Fawcett who passed away from anal cancer. Perhaps best known as Jill Munroe on Charlie's Angels, she was once married to Lee Majors, the Bionic Man, and was in a domestic partnership with Ryan O'Neal. She was 62.

Not to be outdone my Fawcett, Michael Jackson allegedly died the same day, the story being broken by TMZ, after being put to sleep by an anesthesiologist per MJ's request. However, critics claimed that Michael Jackson's soul has been dead for years and his body has only been functioning because of robotics and experimental cosmetics. Millions of emotionally unbalanced people swarmed Los Angeles to mourn his loss.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to lying to everyone and having an affair with an Argentine woman. A staunch critic of Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, Sanford refuses to step down because, as he stated, at least his girlfriend wasn't chubby.

Unemployment in the United States reaches 9.4% while Bernie Madoff swindled billions of dollars from investors in a Ponzi-scheme. Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in prison, at which time he plans to reopen his investment company and form an alliance with Morgan Stanley and turn a new leaf on life.


Alaskan Governor and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin resigns from office stating her desire to be the manager of her son-in-law's nude modeling career.

Three New Jersey mayors are arrested on corruption charges. Their names are Tony Soprano, Tony Gambino, and Tony Castellano. No one saw it coming.

Unemployment reaches 9.5% as Goldman Sachs reports a profit of $3.44 billion, most of the profit coming from the $3.44 billion in bailout money received from the Treasury. The company uses profits to pay its executives huge bonuses for their hard work.


Former Louisiana Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is convicted of bribery, racketeering, and money laundering. Investigators found money stashed in his freezer. Jefferson claimed it was safer in his freezer than in the stock market.

The great promoter of socialism for the common people, millionaire Senator Ted Kennedy, the drunken brother of former President John F. Kennedy and former Attorney General and Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, passed away after a valiant battle with brain cancer. Fortunately for Mr. Kennedy he didn't drown in a river after some drunk driver drove him off of a bridge and walked away and didn't report it to the police until the next day. Only common people go to jail for such things.

Obama pushes the Cash for Clunkers program to invigorate the economy. Used cars are required to be destroyed by filling them with deadly toxic acid and dumping them in junk yards. Liberals praise the program as a way to clean the environment. Meanwhile, millions of Americans by Japanese cars in August, but no one buys any cars for the rest of the year, sending car makers into an even greater depression.

Blogger Eludius celebrates his birthday while simultaneously being nominated by various anonymous readers as the best political blog in the universe.


Serena Williams loses her temper at the U.S. Open on a questionable call and excoriates the line judge by telling her she will shove her sister Venus down the judge's throat.

President Obama speaks to children across the nation via a special webcast. Initially created as a quick way to indoctrinate impressionable minds to the advantages of tax and spend liberal propaganda, parents riot and burn down schools and refuse to bring extra boxes of tissues to school until Obama changes his tune, which he eventually does. The new webcast is a 10 second blip of him telling kids to stay in school.

South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson yells out, "You lie!!" at Obama during a speech promoting socialized healthcare. Congressman Wilson is quickly rebuked for pointing out the Obama lies, but Wilson claims that he will refrain from speaking the truth in the future.

The Center for Disease Control announces that a swine flu vaccine will be available later in the year, just in time for the disease to have already infected everyone. In related news, the pork industry lobbies health officials to stop calling it the swine flu because pork sales are way down. The name for the disease will now be Rosie O'Donnell.


The New York Yankees purchased their 27th World Series title. Critics say that their $8 billion payroll is the reason, but General Manager Brian Cashman argues that he bought the World Series fair and square.

Federal employees are officially banned from texting while driving. The message was sent to the Blackberries of all federal employees during rush hour so that they could read the message while they were driving.

President Obama declares that his economic recovery plan has saved millions of jobs in the United States. He points to millions of people with jobs as evidence to support his claim.

General Motors announces that it will also discontinue the Saturn line after they finally realized that those cars are ugly as crap. The company will focus on subcompacts while sales continue to fall for the once thriving American car company, but executives still have no idea why.

Unemployment in the United States surges to 9.8% as Obama demands banks stop paying executives huge bonuses. Several bank executives suffer from sever joint strains while giving the President the finger.


Best known as the D.C. Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad was executed in Virginia by lethal injection. Neighboring Maryland Governor and raging anti-death penalty advocate Martin O'Malley condemned the execution and stated that we need to do more to protect the lives of mass murderers.

A shooting at Fort Hood in Texas claim the lives of 13 people with 31 injured. Self-proclaimed al-Qaida terrorist Army Major Malik Hasan is a prime suspect after he announced for months that jihad was necessary and he would kill everyone. Military officials continue to question him to find out if he is really the shooter and whether or not it is politically correct to imprison him.

Obama announces expanded government aid to people that are unable to pay their mortgages. Those that are nearly bankrupt, but have been making their payments are ineligible for aid. Those that have been having rave parties, driving Hummers, and spending what cash they have like a prostitute at a slot machine will continue to be eligible to receive tax-payer-backed funding.


GM Chief Executive Fritz Henderson resigns as he is tired of the government telling him what to do. As the largest shareholder, the government is pushing GM to produce tiny economy cars that seat 2, are made of plastic, and get 40 miles per gallon. Unfortunately for GM, Americans continue to buy Honda Accords that weigh 2000 pounds and get about 28 miles per gallon. Sales of GM cars continue to slide and no one has any idea why.

Police are called to the scene of an accident in Florida only to find Tiger Woods' vehicle smashed into a tree with Tiger lying on the ground with a 3 iron wrapped around his neck. Tiger's wife, Swedish model Elin Nordergren admits that Tiger went down 5 seconds into an ultimate fight club match with her after she found out that he was hooking up with trashy New Jersey waitresses. Tiger officially changes his name to Cheetah.

And that is 2009 as I remember it.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Is Blair Lee Steeling from Eludius?

You may recall a couple of weeks ago I went off on our liberal lapdog Senators Ben Cardin and Barbara Mikulski for not getting any booty for Maryland while Congress and the White House handed out the booty to Montana, Louisiana, and Nebraska in order to get their vote. In some legal circles this would be considered illegal. Anyway, Blair Lee calls them out for the same thing in his most recent article. You can read his article here and mine here.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

More Democrats Not Seeking Reelection

I need to buy a lottery ticket today. In addition to the announcement that Christopher Dodd will not be seeking reelection in Connecticut, Byron Dorgon of North Dakota, another liberal extremist, announced that he will not seek reelection as U.S. Senator. Additionally, Democrat Colorado Governor Bill Ritter also announced that he will not be seeking reelection.

Now - if we can only get Martin O'Malley to make the same such announcement, this would be the greatest day E.V.E.R!!!!

President Obama - are you ready for a Congress not entirely controlled by Democrats? Because we are!

Mayor-To-Be - Stephanie Rawlings Blake

Is it me or does she have one of those "Don't F*** with me" looks?

Christopher Dodd Not Seeking Reelection

In what is turning out to be a fantastic day in politics, Connecticut Socialist Christopher Dodd announced that he will not seek reelection in the U.S. Senate when his term retires. This will end nearly 40 years of political terror and grandstanding.

My sources say that in his retirement Senator Dodd will be pushing for a foundation to have statues of Lenin, Stalin, and Mao Tse Tung erected in downtown Hartford to celebrate communism and socialism, 2 ideologies that he advocated while in the Senate.

Sheila Dixon Resigning?

Marc Steiner is claiming that Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon is resigning. Could this be true? We can only hope!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Why I Got Rid Of My Dog

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy crap, my dog is a democrat!

Monday, January 04, 2010

Commuters Support Other People Using Public Transportation

This is an older post from The Onion, but it is still hysterical (and true!!!)

Mo Money for Mo'Malley

In an effort to help keep Maryland moving forward a citizen commission is recommending pay raises for both the Governor and the members of the Maryland General Assembly.

Martin O'Malley, who considers himself the most attractive governor in the history of the state of Maryland, supposedly commented while looking in a mirror that he deserves the raise because he is the fairest of them all.

Criticism immediately came from all 14 Republicans in the General Assembly that the elected officials should not be considering a pay raise in a time when tax revenues are declining and liberal spending is out of control. In a retort, someone overheard Delegate Kumar Barve say that he'd take the Republicans' pay raises if they didn't want them and he'd celebrate with a beer.

The hypocritical President of the Senate Mike Miller stated while slicking back his hair that salaries are so low that the members cannot support their families, this despite the fact that most members have full time jobs that pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. Senator Miller's statement violates the original intent of public office that it is a part-time job to serve the public, not a full-time gluttonous entitlement to the public coffers. But sadly that is the mentality of our corrupt elected officials. Show them the money!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Troy Polamalu Forgets His Head & Shoulders

So he's the spokesman for Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo, but here he is watching the game from the sidelines since he's always hurt. Since the Steelers aren't going to the playoffs, this will give him some extra time to work on that itchy scalp.

Sniffy the Dishwasher Saleswoman

Our house will turn 11 years old this year and it is starting to show signs of its age. We put a contract on the house in 1998 and in January of 1999 they started building. We didn't know much about building a house at the time (we were only 26 years old), so we made some decisions that in retrospect were not the best.

For example, thinking we were absolutely strapped and would never get another pay increase in our entire life, we did not bump out the back wall. Now the back wall is creeping inward. It would have been nice to have that extra 2-4 feet.

Another decision we made was to go with builder-grade appliances. I guess that wasn't too bad. Our stove is still fine. However, our dishwasher sucks. And by sucks I mean it is sucking money out of our wallet.

With a control dial and no delayed time option, we are at the mercy of its incapabilities when we want to run the dishwasher in the middle of the night during lower electricity rate times. Additionally, the flap on the inside that opens and dumps the soap at a certain time rarely works anymore. We usually open the dishwasher to find 2 racks of steam-cleaned dishes and a soap dish full of soap.

Last week we had had enough. I went to Harpers in Eldersburg to check out what they have as I'd rather buy from the small retailer first. Their selection was limited as expected and their prices a bit high. We also checked out Home Depot, and while the gentleman was nice, he was not very helpful. When a customer asks you a question the expected answer is not "I think so" or "maybe". I guess this is what happens when a big box retailer jams as much Chinese-made stuff into a store and pays slightly educated people very low wages to sell their wares.

We decided to check out Sears in Westminster in the spacious and glamorous Westminster Mall (or whatever they call it). We reconnoitered to the appliances and were immediately accosted by a heroin\cocaine addict screaming irrational demands at us like, "you NEED this dishwasher!" without even hearing what our requirements were.

Cloaked in black on black on black with loose fitting black snow boots, the 50 year old sniffing and stoned Goth girl showed us some different models and finally led us to an LG model that for some reason unlike the other dishwashers offered free delivery, installation, and removal. Well, not entirely free - we paid $169, but were given a slip for an immediate refund.

Entirely uncomfortable in her element, Sniffy filled our ears with that uncomfortable laugh that you often hear by the crack whores when they get caught on COPS and try to pretend that they were just waiting for a friend to pick them up. And she talked fast. Without taking a single breath she exhaled the following: "This is totally the dishwasher you need because you have wonderful kids and there's no tax on the installation and Sears is the number one dishwasher retailer in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday? Oh, my, this is such a great deal you will be so happy if you buy this because I would be happy. Is it Friday? Did I mention there's no tax when you purchase this dishwasher? That's tax on the installation, hee-hee. Is it Friday?"

One of our primary requirements is that the dishwasher be ultra-quiet. Our current dishwasher sounds like someone jammed a hair dryer, a lawnmower, and a vacuum cleaner into the unit. Kitchen conversation is unachievable during the wash cycle.

We asked Sniffy what the decibel rating was on the new LG unit. I read that we should require around 47 decibels. She said, "Oh, it's low. It's the quality sound package. It's definitely low. You'll love it. Sears is the number one sound package distributor of sound quality dishwashers in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday?" My wife finally told her, "We're not buying this dishwasher unless you can tell us the decibel rating. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." After a 5 minute search and a few lines of blow she returned with her pants zipper half-way down and with her pink glossy eyes proudly claimed that she found it and it was low.

We finally decided to purchase the unit and the one hour process of paying for it was initiated. We saved an additional 5% by opening a Sears charge and there was no interest or payments for 1 year. That sounds good to me! However, the 'computer is acting up' speech then ensued. It took her 4 times to ring it up and she was extremely flustered. The obnoxious uncomfortable "tee-hees" followed. My ten year old daughter then began to laugh behind her back, while the other 2 kids rolled on the floor in extreme boredom next to the dust-caked sewing machines. She finally called the kid from the electronics section to come help her - you know, the kid with the hair so long it was over his eyes, so I'm not sure how he could see if he was helping her or not.

Finally the pain ended as the transaction was completed, we all quickly departed and we raced to the car. We grabbed some ice cream at Hoffman's and headed home. The new dishwasher will be here on Wednesday, but the hysterical memories of Sniffy will last forever.
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