Thursday, June 28, 2007

Moving Maryland Forward Again

This is the clever and often repeated rhetoric that Martin O'Malley uses all the time. He has used it as a jab against former Republican Governor Bob Ehrlich every chance he gets. He never has any substance to support these hollow promises. He just likes photo opportunities, sort of the Snow White of local politics. Yes, Martin, you are the fairest of them all. All the guys at the Hippo think you are just the cutest!!!

So how has Martin O'Malley moved us forward again? First, he has attacked Ehrlich for hiring his political cronies rather than the best-qualified individuals who will help hard-working middle class families. Instead of following this pattern, O'Malley has hired his cronies, such as Marcus Brown, former Baltimore deputy police commissioner, to become chief of police for the Maryland Transportation Authority. He has also appointed the following:

Otis Rolley III - former chief of staff for Sheila Dixon
Susan Brogan - former member of PSC who approved of deregulating electricity and instituting price caps
Steve Larson - appointed as PSC Commissioner - former insurance guy, has no experience in energy regulation
Harold Williams - appointed to PSC. He worked for BGE for 20 years. How the hell does working for the public utility that you're regulating make you impartial???
Peggy Watson - appointed deputy chief of staff. She served Martin O'Malley as Finance Director for Baltimore City.
Matthew Gallagher - appointed deputy chief of staff. He served Martin O'Malley as Executive Director for CitiStat.

As you can see, Martin O'Malley is a big fat hypocrite when it comes to appointing cronies.

In another move that needs to be criticized is the deal that Marcus Brown got. The police pension fund requires that officers serve for 20 years before they are eligible to receive a pension. Mr. Brown only served for 15 years, yet this 42 year-old lapdog of O'Malley will receive $55,000 a year as his retirement package. Employees that are laid off are normally eligible to receive this benefit. Corupt and incompetent Baltimore City Police Commissioner Leonard Hamm claims that Brown was laid off when O'Malley said that he wanted to hire Mr. Brown.

Hmm. How convenient. This certainly helps Hamm's credibility as not being corrupt. (warning - sarcasm detectors are overheating!) When asked about it, Governor O'Malley said that if you look back at history, you will find that this is not unprecedented. Interpretation - 'because unethical actions have occurred before justifies unethical actions now. Hey - it's okay, this isn't the first time we've been unethical. Don't worry about it.'

Baltimore, as you can probably figure out, is a tax receiving municipality, meaning it does not generate enough tax revenue to cover its expenses. It's too busy spending money on school administrators and paying Sheila Dixon's family members. Therefore, the hard working tax-payers in the rest of the county have to pony up the money to the state's general fund, which is then dived up by the evil Sith Lord, Peter Franchot.

So it is a big deal that the city and state are agreeing to give away money to O'Malley's appointees. We are the ones paying for it!

Finally, not to be outdone by the former corrupt Governors of Maryland such as Spirow Agnew, Marvin Mandell, and Parris Glendening, Martin O'Malley has agreed to have the state purchase the farm of one of his transition team members for $5 million. There are 2 problems with this. The farm was appraised for $4 million. The other is that the state should not be in the business of buying farms. But then again, how can his transition team dip into the pockets of Maryland's taxpayers if this sale went through the normal public sales?

Riding the Mugger Mover

In an unrelated story, I went against my better judgement and rode the mugger mover (more commonly known as the Metro subway) downtown for an interview last week. I left my car in the Park & Rob (more commonly known as the Park & Ride). With much trepidation, I got on the train only to learn that the air conditioning was broken. It's only a 30 minute ride and it was the middle of the day so I figured it would not be crowded and the heat would be tolerable. Little did I know.

By the 4th stop, the train was already packed. Little old 65 year old ladies were getting on the train and boy were they complaining. Their rantings went something like this: "This mo fo'in train is so ga'-damn hot!!! What the fo' is their problem? This is a health hazard! I's can't fo'in stand this sheee-it!!"

It was all that I could do to restrain myself from laughing out loud at these little old pottie-mouths.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Jesse and Sharpton - It's a Tragedy!

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaim Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Rosie O'Donnnell After the View

My team of photo-terrorists have been scanning Los Angeles and New York to find out what Rosie O'Donnell is up to now that she took a publicity whooping from Elizabeth Hasselbeck. We finally found her and she is not doing well at all.

This photo was taken of her at a McDonald's off of the 410 (that's C.H.I.P.S. lingo for Interstate 410). She was caught digging through a trashcan looking for Value Meal leftovers. It's apparent that she hasn't shaved her chest in over two weeks.

We tried to organize a group that could get help for Rosie, but we soon learned that no one cares. This fat obnoxious liberal extremists who wants to rid the world of religion and self-protection will just have to ply away at life on the streets of shame. Too bad!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

No Red Cross in Baltimore

I donated blood today for the Red Cross. My employer allows them to come once a quarter to each of our sites and recruit as many donors as possible. Usually they get between 30 and 50 donors. They best part of the whole deal is getting out of work for an hour and a half. And if you're really smart, you'll milk it and pretend that your light headed and need to rest for a while.

Donating blood doesn't take that long. I don't think it's ever taken me more than 15 minutes. Usually it's closer to 10 minutes. One time I tried to see how fast I could fill the bag, but the next day I was greeted with a huge bruise that ran the length of my arm.

So why does it take 15 minutes to donate the blood, but an hour and a half for the whole process? It's all about the screening process. The Red Cross wants to know all about your sexual escapades. Have you ever been to Cameroon? Have you ever shared needles with a prostitute? Have you ever had sex with a man since 1977 (thank goodness the cutoff was 1977!!!)? Have you ever had oral sex with a monkey. And the list goes on and on.

The question that got me to thinking, however, is 'have you ever been to prison, even once?'. By my calculations, that would eliminate 95% of the population of Baltimore City from being eligible blood donors. However, would this include the 35,000 arrests that did not result in convictions? Would you be ineligible to donate blood if you're from Baltimore City and you've been arrested for a nuisance crime - spitting, jaywalking, talking too loud, voting Republican? I would almost think that this would not be fair. What do you think?

98 Rock Falls to New Low

During Josh Spiegel's news report this morning, he spoke of a story where a 56 year-old woman had her purse snatched from her while she was having a seizure. 98 Rock's delinquent deejay, Mickey Cucchiella, who inaccurately describes himself as a comedian, is heard laughing in the background as the story is read.

Fortunately for the woman, she is okay and Bawlmer City police were able to make 2 arrests in connection with the crime.

The hard-left wing liberal extremist, socialist flag-waving Spiegel read the news straight off of, and it sounded as if Mickey realized his buffoon reaction and tried to silence himself, which for him is an impossible task, much to our detriment. Though few can understand his pontifications through his uneducated Dundalk draw, every now and then you can gather a word or a phrase about how awesome he is. Last week he mentioned that he's so awesome because the other stations suck because he said so. Who can argue with that logic? Who would want to? That'd be like me arguing with the neighbor's dog.

For kicks, go to the crime database and check out the Cucchiella families' court history. You can check out all of your friends and neighbors. Loads of fun! Whoo-hoo!

While the police were chasing down these purse-snatchers, 6 people were murdered in the Baltimore area over the past 24 hours, but Sheila Dixon has a plan, which included the ever successful method of "working closer with the community". I think the best plan Sheila can have to reduce crime in Baltimore is to plan to lose the mayoral election.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Orioles Fire Perlozzo

In a highly unexpected move, the last place Orioles fired another manager, Sam Perlozzo. The Orioles, who are in the midst of their 10th consecutive losing season, have a tradition of firing managers every 2 or 3 years.

Current owner, Peter Angelos, hopes to hire a new manager who will be as successful as Phil Regan or Ray Miller. Angelos is well known in the baseball world as the worst owner in this history of the sport. Many players have rejected offers by the Orioles to play in Baltimore, only to accept offers for lesser amounts of money in other cities.

It is difficult to understand why the Orioles are so bad. Back when all the players were on growth hormones and steroids, they were awesome. They are now stocked with the best young raw talent that money could buy. Look at this year's team. We have Kevin Millar who's batting over .240, Melvin Mora, the former All-Star, who's batting .245, and future superstar Jay Gibbons who has 3 HR's and is hitting .210.

The Orioles' Iron Curtain pitchers bring out the fear in in hitters' eyes. Middle reliever Todd Williams has a stellar ERA of 7.53, Danys Baez, who's on a mission to break the single-season blown save record, has an ERA of 6.52, and John Parrish, considered another piece of a successful foundation for the future, is giving Baez a run for his money for blown saves. And let's not forget about our superstar signings from the past two years - Steve Trachsel, Jarret Wright, and Kris Benson. How did we outbid the Yankees and the Angels for them??? It utterly stuns me that the Orioles didn't try harder for Ryan Dempster and Adam Eaton. If the Orioles are shooting for last, they obviously need to go all in and try a little harder.

Seriously, have you been to a game this year? You can sit wherever the hell you want. Attendance is reported around 13,000, but I knew all 5 people in the stands. You can hear conversations on the third base side for the right field mezzanine. Where are all of the fans? Half of them are now watching the Nationals. Yeah, they suck, too, but at least it's something new. They're getting a new stadium so the attendance at Orioles games can only get worse. Fans for the opposing team regularly outnumber the Orioles fans. That's really sad when you're playing the Devil Rays.

Is there an end to the downward spiral? Of course. I predict that the Orioles will give up, just like they do every other year, and they will drop players in order to "build for the future", which is a euphemism for dumping salary and picking up no name minor leaguers who they have no intention of ever using. The Orioles will dump Bedard, Guthrie, Cabrera, Tejada, and Brian Roberts. These players would be wanted elsewhere. The bottom is when the Orioles lose the rest of the games for the season. As it is, it won't be hard to lose 100 games this year.

Bedard, a young pitcher with a 3.64 ERA will succeed on a team that provides run support. Cabrera needs a team that can help him get his pitches under control. Guthrie is already a proven winner. If he's allowed to finish a game, I predict his record would be 8-1 so far this year. Tejada is name brand talent who's lazy because he doesn't care anymore. Brian Roberts is a feisty young athlete who will succeed anywhere. The Orioles should have listened to Peter Gammons several years ago when he said that the Orioles should trade Roberts to the Red Sox, Peter's favorite team, and built the infield around Jerry Hairston Jr., who's now playing for last-place Texas and hitting .239 and playing mostly in the outfield.

There are rumors that the Orioles may interview Davy Johnson, who was run out of town 10 years ago, and Joe Girardi, the former manager of the Florida Marlins. Girardi, as you will remember, took a team with players as well-known and recognizable as the high school cross-country team, and kept them in the playoff hunt most of the season. He won the NL Manager of the year award and was promptly fired.

Unfortunately for Girardi, I think Angelos has already fired him before he even interviews. John Kruk, the former first-baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, reported on ESPN (and interpreted by me) that anyone that accepts the Orioles manager position is an idiot. Kruk said that if the job was offered to him, he would reject it.

Oh, Orioles, where have you gone?

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Rosie - The Price is Right?

Bob Barker has demonstrated to America why he is retiring. Sadly we have all learned the Bob Barker is senile.

On Friday, the host of The Price is Right for 35 years has announced that he endorses Rosie O'Donnell to succeed him. This also clearly indicates that his vision is totally gone, too.

Rosie O'Donnell, the fat obnoxious liberal extremist who got her ass kicked by Elisabeth Hasselbeck, was recently fired from The View when she implied that American soldiers are terrorists. As stated previously, Rosie has never denied that she is funding Al-Quaeda efforts in the United States. Purportedly, many of her neighbors have also stated that she has parties every time she learns that additional soldiers were killed in Iraq.

There have even been rumors that this Joseph Stalin-lovin lesbian has a massive gun collection, despite her repeated rants that the only people that should own guns are criminals. Though I'm not sure that she has ever been convicted of a crime, she may secretly be an outlaw and fits into her own category as a legit gun owner.

The logistics of Rosie taking over the show are being discussed. Currently, the stage is set 3 feet off of the ground. However, if Rosie takes over the show, the stage will have to be reinforced with 2 ft wide reinforced steel I-beams on concrete footers. The sound system, obviously, would need to be muted.

Also, the number of seats in the audience would naturally be reduced. There are only a limited number of brain-washed left-wing lunatic stay-at-home mothers that would take time away from taking Timmy to his play date so that she be a contested who could 'Come on down!'.

There are also rumors that instead of the Showcase Showdown, she would replace this segment with an open forum (open meaning you sit and listen and she speaks) where she attacks Christians, men, heterosexuals, and Republicans. Additionally, she will praise and pontificate the benefits of obesity, bestiality, mental illness, liberal totalitarian systems of government, and gay marriage.

Hopefully, the brass at CBS will dismiss these rumors and replace Mr. Barker with the best new host possible. Though Todd Newton and Mark Steines are leading candidates as the new host, all of unemployed America (including college students) want Mario Lopez. Mr. Lopez is beloved by all Americans who grew up on Saved By The Bell. However, to seal the deal, Mr. Lopez should officially change his real name to A.C. Slater.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Ghost Rider

Does anyone else find it ironic that in the new movie Ghost Rider, Peter Fonda plays the devil. However, in real life, Peter Fonda's sister, Jane Fonda, really is the devil. Who knew?!!!

Netflix - Bobby?

It's been 3 weeks since I announced that Bobby was at the top of my Netflix queue, and had been for a couple of months. Guess what? Still there. Still listed as Very Long Wait.

It's been reported that CIA Director Michael Hayden and FBI Directory Robert Mueller each have 9,000 copies of the movie stashed in their basement trying to prevent it from distribution. Netflix allowed them to use multiple email addresses to create all of these accounts. President Bush has even declared that this movie is worse than nucular disaster.

Baltimore Graduation Rate - Third Worst in Country

Editorial Projects in Education Inc., the foremost authority on educational issues in America and publisher of Education Week magazine, has released a new study outlining graduation rates across America.

The study evaluates states and the largest cities of the country and ranks them. They study uses precise calculations based off of the Cumulative Promotion Index. The calculation, in a nutshell, measures the number of 9th graders that receive their diploma 4 years later.

This study revealed that Baltimore has the 3rd lowest graduation rate among large cities. Detroit, known for members of the Pistons with criminal records and unemployment rates of +70% among black males, leads the list with a 24.9% graduation rate.

Cleveland, which rocks, is second with a 34.1% graduation rate. One would immediately wonder if 39 year-old LeBron James classified as graduating on time. During his senior year, he was the only high school basketball player in the country who drove a Hummer to have a grey beard. His grandchildren make fun of him all the time.

Finally, Baltimore came in third. This would be wonderful if we were talking about the Orioles and the American League East. Unfortunately, we are talking about the third worst high school graduation rate in American. Baltimore's graduation rate, according to Education Week, is 34.6%.

My thoughts immediately turn to Martin O'Malley's website which claims that the graduation rate is, in fact, 61%. There clearly must be a mistake! Honest Marty wouldn't lie to us, would he? Other than all the other lies, this one is hard to believe.

The difference between the Teflon Leprechaun's official campaign website and the educational research shows a difference of 26.4%, in whole terms. Or, mathematically, O'Malley's claim is 77% higher than the actual rate. For those of you who went to public schools (especially the ones in Baltimore City), 34.6% x 1.77 = 61%. I know that's a complicated formula, with the multiplying and equaling involved, but trust me on this.

If O'Malley's figures were correct, Baltimore would be slightly behind Charlotte, NC, where household income soars above Baltimore, crime is far below Baltimore, and the left-wing liberal extremists are few and employed at Whole Foods.

Who's right? You know who's right. But it doesn't matter. Maryland prefers flowery pretty liberals in office rather than those who are able to rule successfully. When does that bus leave for Charlotte?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Meet the Racist, I mean Meet the Press.

In case you missed Sunday's episode of Meet The Press, here's what you did not see:

Friday, June 01, 2007

2007-08 NCAA Basketball Predictions

I'm not interested in who's going to win it all. It's a handful of teams that makes it every year. How surprised are people when a team from the SEC, Big East, or ACC win it? Come on really. The last 9 out of 10 champions have come from one of these 3 conferences. So we know it's most likely going to be more of the same.

However, who's going to suck next season?

Winthrop - okay, other than the people that know Rock Hill, SC, no one really cares. But to true basketball enthusiasts and Winthrop alumni, we all know that last season's #22 Winthrop is going to suck next year. Not only did coach Gregg Marshall leave for Wichita State, the school also graduated Craig Bradshaw, Torrell Martin, and Phillip Williams. And let's not forget to mention the off-season death of De'Andre Adams. That'll bring you down every time.

Kentucky - next to Duke, Kentucky has to be the greediest college basketball team in the country. The difference between the two schools is people love to hate Duke and Duke has won a championship within the past 10 years. Which is exactly why Kentucky fired coach Tubby Smith. Sure, he's run one of the most successful basketball programs in the country over the past 10 seasons. But the problem is he hasn't won a national championship. And Kentucky has never gone this long without winning one.

Come one, Kentucky was 22-12 last year. Most colleges would call this a great year. Now new head coach Billy Gillispie, the former coach of the successful Texas A&M team, will need to find a way to win a title. I predict Kentucky will give him 3 years, then fire him for sucking.

Florida - Florida? Haven't they won the last 2 national titles? Sure. But the team just got gutted. The Orlando Magic just announced that they have signed Billy Donovan to a contract for $20-some million. And many players, including Corey Brewer, Taurean Green, Al Horford, Joakim Noah, Lee Humphrey, Chris Richard, and Brett Swanson are all leaving. If memory serves me correct, basketball teams only have about 14 players, so they lost half of the team. Yeah, they're going to suck and you know it.

MD Eastern Shore - Okay, this is a no-brainer. They always suck. They always have. I don't think UMES has ever won 10 games in a season. But can you hold it against them? They play in the powerful MEAC against such thugs as Bethune-Cookman, Norfolk State, and N.C. A & T.

Biggest Turnaround?
My prediction for the biggest turnaround next season in Iona. I predict they will get 5 wins, 150% more than they had last year. Go Gaels!!!
Who links to my website?
Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites