Friday, April 27, 2007

On this date in history...

On this date in the future, the following events will happen.

2012 - the Orioles win their first game after losing 277 straight games, which spanned over three seasons. Season attendance averages 12.

2017 - Hilton Hotels goes out of business after heir Paris Hilton takes over and has all hotels painted pink and requires all locations be renamed with "Hot" as the prefix, though the Hot Hilton at South Beach does surprisingly well.

2021 - filming of Rocky XXXVII is suspended after Sylvester Stallone leaves the set to play bingo at the Sunny Hills Retirement Home.

2028 - the first person not named Bush or Clinton will take office after the Chelsea Clinton scandal. She was forced to resign after leaving a profanity laden message on Secretary of State Alec Baldwin's voicemail. Former presidents George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Jeb Bush all condemned this occurrence as it violated the Voicemail Message Act of 2010. Vice-President Apple Paltrow will be sworn as soon as the United Nations approves a French citizen can rule the United States.

2033 - the United Nations suspects that Fidel Castro is no longer ruling Cuba after video surfaced of him giving a speech where marionette wires can be seen moving his arms and head.

2037 - 73 year old Barry Bonds retires from baseball after hitting 2,743 home runs. He claims that he was having a hard time finding new places to inject steroids.

2079 - MS-AOL-Google-soft buys the last remaining publicly traded technology company for $8 quadrillion. The T. Rowe Price Sci-tech fund now has one holding.

2172 - Republicans are allowed to return to the state of Maryland after a 150 year ban that was effected when Governor Peter Franchot signed the Democrat Safety and Security Act.

2344 - The United Cloned Nations council dissolves all foreign governments as all leaders are now basically ruled by the same person - the clone of Martin O'Malley.

2 Fat Stacks, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese...

Would you like to Super Size your Big Mac meal with a side order of hollow points?

Someone brought a knife to a fist fight at the McDonald's at the corner of Calvert & Light Street in downtown Baltimore yesterday, right in the middle of the business district. This incident occurred at 11am, right during the middle of the work day and when the early birds are going out for lunch. The victim ended up dying on his way to Shock Trauma.

The incident is a little surprising. There is a McDonald's 2 blocks away at the corner of Baltimore Street and Light Street the is the ghetto of all ghetto McDonald's. Homeless people routinely enter the establishment, drop their pants and urinate on the wall with hopes that they'll get arrested and get a shower and a free meal at Central Booking. By no means should any working person with a tie ever enter this McDonald's. You will die. (Or be urinated on).

This whole incident spawned this email conversation at work:

Person 1- Don't you miss being downtown...

Person 2 - And this is just for today...

Person 3 - Gotta admit, I would have picked the McDonald's on Light Street for the
stabbing though. Unless the Health Department closed it again, in which
case I would expect some level of migration to the one on Calvert St.

Person 2 - To be honest, if somebody was trying to steal my McFlurry I'd stab'em
too (unless I was carrying my 9 of course).

Person 1 - I agree, (and to paraphrase Snoop Dogg), "you shouldn't be stabbin' no ho that ain't doin' sh** unless she's trin' to get a n**a for his money". And never be downtown without your 9's - best advise you'll ever get.

(After a news update)
Person 1 - Looks like when Max lost his head, pulled out his chrome 45 he wound up dead.


I wonder if Sheila Dixon will have this one classified as a health code violation rather than a homicide. Everyone knows you can't have dead bodies in a restaurant.

Person 3 - This is just further proof that businesses serve no purpose other than to provide a venue for homicides. I think the city needs to continue to make the climate as uninviting as possible for any sort of business in order to prevent future incidents such as this. No businesses = no homicides in businesses. Simple as that.

By the way, the Baltimore Examiner is reporting that there have been 217 shootings in Baltimore so far this year. Sheila Dixon is hoping that they can beat last year's record by October.

Monday, April 23, 2007

O'Malley The Protectorate

On the Environment

On April 20th, while gathered with 200 of his closest environmental malefactors, drove 50 miles in their gas-guzzling Chevy Suburbans, then trampled several hundred yards over fragile wetland terrain to capture the perfect photo-opportunity. There, he signed the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative (RGGI), making Maryland an official member of the group of states devoted to stopping global warming.

O'Malley, ever the godfather of all that is good, said that this measure if for the children. He hopes that with this new law, our children will still be able to see crabs or orioles, though he made no mention of being able to eat them.

However, quite unlike his normal press conferences, this one lacked the invective that he is required to unleash on former Governor Ehrlich. He could have said something enlightening like, "Finally, Maryland can start moving forward again on the environment. Our children finally have reason to be hopeful."

In a related story, after hearing about the bill signing, the Reverend Al Sharpton demanded that anyone who ever listened to Don Imus be fired from their job and be arrested.

On the Economy

In another O'Malley story, he joined Baltimore County Socialist, Jim Smith, in fighting that dubious pandemic known as economic growth. LNG, a gas distribution company, threatened to spend $400 million dollars for the facility and an extra $250 for the pipeline and create several years worth of jobs and create a liquid gas distribution facility in the grotesque and polluted Dundalk area. In addition to that, the company has the audacity to state that this project will create 50 permanent positions.

O'Malley stuck to his chief principle that "a citizenry in need is a Democrat indeed". If people keep getting jobs and start saving money, they'll start getting taxed, then they will take an interest in government and seek to elect representatives that truly represent their interests. This Democrat-defying logic would be harmful to the General Assembly and Martin O'Malley.

One of the concerns posed, in addition to threatening the local welfare system, was the fact that the facility could become a terrorist threat. To save Baltimore from the terrorist threat, O'Mally has joined forces with Jim Smith to rid the area of jobs and companies that could become terrorist targets. To the contrary, local terrorist Mahummad Oborski said, "why the hell would we choose Baltimore as a target? Do you think bringing unemployment and urban blight to a screeching halt is one of the promises of the Jihad? Get a life!"

Friday, April 13, 2007

Don Imus Fired, Sharpton probably still not happy.

Here we go again. Don Imus mouthed off by calling the women of the Rutger's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed ho's". Self-serving racists and bigots like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson jumped on the fire-Imus bandwagon. First, MSNBC, with threats of boycotts and several sponsors that jumped ship, dropped Imus from their lineup, right in the middle of the week that Imus was using as his annual children's cancer fundraiser.

Then, with continued pressure from the African-American community, those including Al Roker and former NAACP head, Bruce Gordon, additional sponsors cancelled advertising contracts with fears of their attachment to the "racist" event. CBS Radio felt it had no choice but to fire Imus.

So where does this leave us? CNN columnist Roland S. Martin is telling us that the white people cannot use the black rap artists continued flogging of women and hatred of white people as an example of a double-standard. He said,
  • "Don't try to make this whole matter about the ridiculous rants made by rappers"
Snoop Dogg went even further. He may have been on one of his drunken, pot-smoking rants, but that certainly didn't excuse Mel Gibson. Snoop said,
  • "It's a completely different scenario. [Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about hos that's in the 'hood that ain't doing (bleep), that's trying to get a (bleep) for his money. These are two separate things.
  • First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them (bleepers) say we in the same league as him."
I never knew he was so eloquent. However, to the point, I never liked Snoop Dogg. Nor did I like Imus. What did I do about it? I didn't listen to either one of them. To me, both are jerks. That's enough for me. Now it appears that both are racists. Are they comparable? Sure they are. Both of them are sending messages that it is okay to say disparaging things about other people, mainly people of a different race.

Unless the African-American and the white community can agree that all bigoted attacks are wrong, including the ones from Don Imus, Chappellel, Michael Richardson, Jesse Jackson, Mel Gibson, Al Sharpton, rap artists like Snoop Dogg, etc.., then they themselves are fanning the flames of racism and hatred. It's human nature to stick up for your own and when one of your own takes a beating, you're going to stick up for that person that is getting the beating if the punishment goes too far. We as a society need to either accept free speech, regardless of how hateful it may be, or apply the politically correct standards to everyone, regardless of what makes them different. One-sided political correctness will only fuel further hatred.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Don Imus and Sharpton

Don Imus Under Fire

Don Imus is in trouble. He did the unspeakable. He called the women's basketball team at Rutger a bunch of "nappy-headed hos". And for that, he has been forced to apologize on a daily basis. He was threatened with a boycott and forced to go on the Reverend Al Sharpton's radio show to grovel.

On Sharpton's show, Imus said, "I'm not thinking it's a racial insult that's being uttered at somebody at the time. It's in the process of trying to rap and be funny." he said. But he added, "I wish I hadn't said it. I'm sorry I said it."

However, his level of grovelling must not have been enough. The Reverend Shallow Threat demands that Imus be fired. And in addition to that, he demands that CNN and MSNBC hire more black anchors. However, there has been no indication that he will demand extortion, the usual tactic of the fake Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jesse's normal extortion demands are contributions to his Rainbow Push Coalition. It worked for his extortion of Toyota, GTE, Bell Atlantic, Credit Suisse, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Paine Webber, Coca-Cola, Viacom, SBC, Ameritech, NASCAR, and Boeing. How else can someone who doesn't actually do anything for living make millions of dollars? He's extorted more money from Americans than Peter Franchot, Nancy Pelosi, and Ted Kennedy.

That reminds of a joke (and this is just a joke that I heard from someone and it must be totally false, because it cannot possible be true). Jesse Jackson's secretary called into his office and said, "Mr. Extortion, Ms. Mahoney is on the phone and she wants to know your opinion about the abortion bill." Mr. Jackson replied, "Tell that ho that I paid that bill!!"

But I digress. Back to the other pretend reverend, Mr. Sharpton, who, following an accident in which a black girl was run over by a Hasidic Jew, incited a crowd by saying that the diamond merchants (a derogatory terms for Jews) to "pin their yarmulkes back and come over to my house" to settle the score. The crowd went nuts, threw rocks at houses, burned cars, and lynched 29-year old rabbinical student Yankel Rosenbaum.

Sharpton has demanded that Imus be fired for his racially incentive words. If he is not fired, he is going to call for a boycott of CBS Radio and MSNBC. I'm all in favor of the boycott of MSNBC. Who the hell wants to hear Keith Obermann whine everyday about what a jerk Bill O'Reilly is? Come on! We all know O'Reilly's a jerk. But it sure is fun watching him get the libs all pissed-off and telling them why they're wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong. Imus is a donkey for what he said. Why would you even say something like that? Why must idiots in our society say such things about people of different enthicities? I'm all in favor of advertisers pulling out of the program and MSNBC losing lots of money for keeping his show on the air. I'm in favor of him wearing a dunce cap the entire time he is on the air. I'm in favor of him being forced to watch Detroit Lions football games. What could be worse than that?

Sharpton's message is clear. A white guy saying insensitive things about another race cannot be tolerated. Now let's not confuse this with the lyrics from rap stars who have many inspirational lyrics about our feminine counterparts.

Take for example these samples of lyrics by African-American rappers (or is it rappists?)

F**K Dat B***h, by 50 Cent - If a B***h don't like me somethin's wrong with the b***h...(f**k that b***h)"

Shoot Cha in a Minute, by X-Raided - "I'm still shootin mothaf**kas the war path never stops" and the ever-popular refrain, " If she f**k wit me she gonna be sh****n led bricks"

Kurupt -by the poetic Dr. Dre - "Hos forgot to eat a d**k can shut the f**k up"

Let's not interpret these lyrics by our fine young artisitc young minds by using our morally relative views of the world. It's just not relevant. Don Imus must go!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

No Illegal Child Left Behind

So HB6 (House Bill 6) went up for a vote to allow illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition to attend Maryland colleges and universities, snuffing out Marylanders and other U.S. citizens. 81 of our most stupidest delegates voted in favor of the bill, including these more stupider delegates: Victor Ramirez, Charles Barkley, Barbara Frush, Jim Gilchrest, Sheila Hixson, Nancy King, Sam Rosenburg, Melvin Stukes, Jay Walker, Jon Cardin, Herman Taylor, Jr. and our ever-robust and delirious speaker, Michael Busch.

Fortunately, there are some intelligent delegates out there that voted against this bill, including Susan Krebs, Joseph Bartlett, Gail Bates, Wendell Beitzel, Emmett Burns, Robert Costa, Donald Dwyer, Barry Glassman, Rick Impallaria, Wade Kach, Jim Mathias, Susan McComas, Pat McDonough, Warren Miller, Donna Stiffler, and Nancy Stocksdale. In fact, 20 Democrats realized the insanity of the bill and joined the Republicans in voting with some common sense.

Our jacked-up governor, Martin O'Malley, says that he supports criminal activity, especially matters involving illegal immigrants, and will sign it if the Senate approves it. It is rumored that if the bill passes and O'Malley signs it, the next step will be to provide in-state tuition for terrorists, murderers, communists, Nazis, Jew-haters, atheists, transgendered, and global warming alarmists, regardless of their state of residency. However, future bills being considered would deny in-state tuition to smokers, people that eat food that contains trans-fat, Christians, Republicans (which would deny in-state tuition to every person living in Carroll County), people born in wed-lock, and home-owners.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


A grand theft has occurred in Annapolis. We suspected that Martin O'Malley was on crack. The evidence to support this supposition is the fact that he supports giving in-state tuition for criminals, he supports giving convicted felons the right to vote (only because they vote Democratic), and he seems stunned that the electric rate is going up 58% in June, just like he agreed to before the election.

Now, the crack pipe has been passed to Baltimore City. The city council is considering passing a bill that if the police were called to your residence two times for noise disturbance, you can be kicked out of your house for up to a year - even if you own your home. To make matters worse, the decibels level of the noise disturbance does not have to be any higher than 55 decibels to warrant an arrest. For those of you who went to Baltimore City schools, a decibel is a measurement of sound.

How loud is 55 decibels? A jet engine is 160. A rock concert is 140. Power tools average about 110. A busy street is around 65. Face-to-face conversation is 55. A quiet office is 50. So, if you have a vindictive neighbor, they're going to call the police on you for having a conversation in your back yard. Small children will be run out of the city. Barking dogs will be arrested. I wonder if this new law will allow the police to arrest those noisy rats you see running down Orleans street. Noisy garbage trucks - yeah they'll be a thing of the past. Construction - too noisy. What if you live next to a fire department? Can you call and complain that they're being too noisy? Those noisy stadiums need to go.

Here's the plan - everyone in Baltimore (the ones that can read) - call the police and complain about the noise levels at these people's houses: Sheila Dixon, Mary Pat Clark, and Stephanie Rawlings-Blake. Wait two days, then call again. We will continue this list with other nuisance politicians until we have kicked them all out of the city.
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