Wednesday, January 31, 2007

2008 Election, In 2007

Troop Surge

There is much talk of a troop surge in Iraq. Senator John Kerry, aka "Flip Flop Doc Can We Rock", Delaware Senator Joseph Biden, (what-u hidin'?) and Senator Harry Reid, (who repeatedly denies that he is not related to Ross Perot), have been suggesting for several years that the only thing that can save Iraq is more troops. According to the Washington Times, Kerry said so in an interview with Tim Russert Potato in 2004. Harry Reid called for the surge a little over a month ago. Delaware Senator Biden has been making the request for years. And on a different note, despite the supporting logic that Biden has continuously submitted legislation that is destroying the state of Delaware, the rumors that George Thorogood kicked Biden out of the Delaware Destroyers is unfounded.

So why the flip-flopping from our perennial flip-floppers? Because when Bush argued against troop surges, political logic for the Democrats stated that they had to argue against his thinking. Now that Bush supports the troop surge, those Senators' adamant arguments are null and void. Now they are vehemently against the troop surge. Not only is their contrasting opinion required in Congress, but they have rejected the idea as not in the national interest of their reelection campaign. And we all know that getting reelected has higher moral ground over protecting a country from terrorists while it is rebuilding its government.

Joe Biden, What-u hidin'?

January's winner of the "What the Hell Was He Thinking Award" goes to former and current Presidential candidate Joseph Biden. Recently when asked about Barack Obama, Biden commented, "he is the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.

That's quite an eyebrow-raising statement. Let's analyze this. He's the first mainstream African-American who is articulate? Is to infer that other historical prominent black people like Thurgood Marshall, J.C. Watts, Michael Steele, Walter Williams, Bill Cosby and M.C. Hammer are not articulate? Why is the NAACP not jumping all over this?

Second, he says that he is bright, tying in with the "first". He's the first bright African-American? See previous list.

Clean? Yeah, okay. Most mainstream African-Americans do not bathe. Come on now! What a ridiculous thing to include in that statement. I like Joe Biden because he gets haircuts and brushes his teeth. He's the first mainstream person from Delaware to do that!

Finally, Biden says that Obama is a nice-looking guy. Sure. Most politicians from Delaware have their homosexual tendencies, especially ones that have plagerized speechess during their previous Presidential campaigns. And relating to that topic, how can someone who previously ran for president, but withdrew because it was revealed that he plagerized a speech from Neil Kinnock, a member of the British Labour Party, run for president again? He obviously thinks were are more stupider than him be is.

Now, let's talk realistically about what he said. No one points out these generalization traits when speaking of others (articulate, clean...) unless it is your (the speaker's) opinion that the others from the same group lack these traits. For example, if I said I liked a Baltimore City graduate because this graduate can read at a 12th grade level, I would be indirectly generalizing that most city school students cannot read at a 12th grade level, which is true - over 80% of Baltimore City School students who start 9th grade drop out. And they're not dropping out because they're so smart that they're entering college early. Therefore, it is of the opinion of many political experts and smart people (they are 2 distinct groups of people) Joseph Biden has indirectly indicated that he is a racist.

Dook Sucks

Duke University is one of the premier colleges when it comes to basketball. They are constantly a ranked team and have been to the Final Four many times. When it comes to recruiting and attrition, most schools go through the phases of building and rebuilding as good players come and go. To quote Duke Vitale, Duke doesn't rebuild - they reload.

Now being the greatest has not come without a price - to other teams that is. Take Duke's game against Clemson University earlier this year. With 1.8 seconds left after a Clemson layup that tied the game, it appeared that the game was going into overtime. However, Mike Krzyzewski argued that only 0.4 seconds had elapsed during the last play. The ACC officials agreed and gave Duke 4.4 seconds, which was enough time for them to do a full-court play and win the game.

Now to the Virginia game a week later. With time winding down and the game close, the camera pans the crowd. A girl is holding up a sign that reads, "SportsCenter is next, unless Duke needs more time." Classic!

Speed Cameras

Washington D.C. has installed dozens of speed cameras. Their government officials state that they have been installed in the name of safety. They are there to help save the children. However, they happily pointed out that the cameras have helped generate $31 million. These cameras have proven to be so profitable, I mean, increase safety so much, that they plan to install dozens more. Their profits, sorry, did it again, safety, has proven to be so good that many other cities will be following suit.

Mitt Romney
The election is only a year and a half away, so the candidates need to hurry up and line up so that they can begin the rhetoric battles against each other. Osama Obama and Hillbilly Hillary are already in the lead in Camp Hate, much to the chagrin of John Edwards and Joseph Biden.

The Republicans, on the other hand, are slightly in disarray. McCain and Guilliani have been mentioned as favorites, but many believe that these centrists, though electable in a general election, would not make it out of the primaries, which are dominated by the Christian right.

Out of Massachusetts, little known Republican Governor Mitt Romney is starting to turn heads. Now that you've fallen out of a chair, yes, the People's Socialist Utopia of Massachusetts has a Republican governor. What not many people realize, since most people have no idea who he is, is that Romney is a Mormon. Why does that matter, you ask? Because everyone knows that if Romney is elected President, he will be taking orders from Utah. Look in your history books. Kennedy, the only Catholic ever elected President, took orders from the Pope in Rome. And if Obama is elected, he'll be taking orders from Mecca. And if Hillary Clinton is elected, she'll be taking orders from Mesostopheles.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lopsided Logic

O'Malley Death Sentence
Martin O'Malley endorsed child molesters who rape 6 year-old girls and then hack them to pieces today when he said that he would support a ban on the death penalty. This goes hand-in-hand with his unrestricted support of the abortion, the act that kills unborn children. This illogical argument is one that he vehemently supports. An anonymous spokesman said that according to O'Malley, society can do without all of these unwanted & unborn children, but he has a special place in his heart for murders. Others find it ironic that a person who attended Catholic University can have such hatred for God's children, but show such respect for criminals.

And putting his best foot forward, Martin O'Malley got to attend the State of the Union address on Wednesday. We got to see him at the beginning looking more pissed off than a Republican living in Baltimore City. Later, while Bush was speaking, O'Malley and Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa were caught snoozing. Awesome. And did you catch Madame Pelosi with her hyperactive blinking? A posting on said, "Pelosi also spent some time chewing on something besides blinking like a banshee. "

The greatest show ever made is on the History Channel. It is Dogfights and is a compilation of interviews, actual footage and computer animated recreations of actual dogfights in history. Tonight's episode is "Dogfights of the Middle East" featuring F-15's, MiG-21's, MiG-17's, and French Mirage III jet fighters. It is absolutely phenomenal. Other episodes have been the Battle of Britian, the War in the Pacific, a dogfight over Korea, and one in Viet-Nam. Check it out.

Dook Sucks
Duke basketball, which is currently ranked 10th, which is totally unacceptable to Mr. Whiney Pants, (whose real name is Mike Krzyzsydfsdufiski), showed why they are the best cheaters in the league. While playing Clemson on Thursday, Clemson tied the game with 1.8 seconds left. Coach K then threatened to show his hip replacement scars to the referees if they didn't put 3 more seconds on the clock. The intimidated ref's obliged and Duke was able to in-bound the ball and get a lay-up to win the game. The Atlantic Coast Conference Coordinator of Basketball Officials, John Clougherty, acknowledged that they let Duke intimidate them and get away with cheating. Duke had no comment.

I suspect that they had no comment because they university is still reeling from condemning the actions of 3 Duke lacrosse players who were charged with the rape of Crystal Gail Magnum and perused by the nefarious District Attorney, Michael Nifong. The problem is when DNA samples were taken from this stripper who was previous convicted of drug use, there were at least 3 different male semen DNA available, none of which matched the 3 Duke lacrosse players. Nifong is now being reprimanded by the North Carolina Bar Association for engaging in conduct involving dishonesty, fraud, deceit, or misrepresentation. In addition to ethics violations, he is accused of violating 4 rules of professional conduct. In other words, a real classy guy.

Sheila Dixon
Sheila Dixon, mayor-default until the election kicks her out of office, showed today what she plans on doing to make the city better. Ignoring the fact that there have been 23 murders in 25 days, Dixon said her highest priority is picking up trash. She plans to go on a tour with Baltimore's finest and empty garbage cans like the best of them.

Meanwhile, while Dixon was busy doing photo-ops, 17 people were shot, 72 were robbed, 6 people were car-jacked, and 7 businesses decided to move from the city to the county. Once her trash collection problems are under control, she plans to move on to some tougher issues like painting fire hydrants and chasing homeless people out of the water fountain at Light and Pratt Street.

Baltimore - Get It On! Or is it Get On With It? Or was it Believe? Who the hell knows?!!

Joke of the Day

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for Martin O'Malley, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Half-Week in Review

O'Malley on Grasmick

Martin O'Malley, always eager to destroy reputations and demonstrate what a peckerhead he is, was asked about what was going to happen to Nancy Grasmick. Nancy Grasmick, as you may know, is the State Schools Superintendent and has another year left on her contract. O'Malley responded to the question with, "I would like to have a secretary of education that I trust and can work with, and someday we will," O'Malley said when asked about Grasmick at a news conference yesterday. "In the meantime, we'll make progress." Let's face it. O'Malley is still pissed off that Grasmick called him out when it came to the quality of education in Baltimore City. She said the city school system sucks and he's in charge and should be responsible. He said that people shouldn't belittle the accomplishments of the hard working people and should recognize the accomplishments that everyone has made. Translation - Don't make me look bad because you'll end up in obscurity like Sade Berderinwa and now that I've rewritten the city school statistics, it looks like more kids are actually graduating.

Busting the Illegals

Much to the chagrin of local illegal Hispanic leaders, the Immigrations & Customs Enforcement (ICE) agency rounded up 24 illegal immigrants at a 7-11 on Broadway when they asked the ICE officials if they had any work they could do. Local reporters tried to ask some Hispanics that were at the scene what they thought of the activity. All refused to give their name and country of origin and ran for the nearest exit.

Homogeneity is a Crime

Carroll County was recently decried for not being diverse. Most people that live there are college educated middle class white people without criminal records. Home prices in Carroll County are also generally 20% more than in other surrounding counties. Perhaps these idiots fled to these areas seeking homogeneity. Little did these people know that this is a crime in Maryland. You can't be arrested for it, but you can be labeled as a racist and have your property taxes raised 100%. Everyone knows that you must desire to live with people with differing interests, educations, arrest records, and religious beliefs. This is what makes for an interesting society. Just ask all of the diverse people of Baltimore City how wonderful it is living there.

Obama's School Was Not That Radical

Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama was recently criticized for attending a Muslim school in Indonesia. Why any American would be concerned about a presidential candidate attending a Muslim school in Indonesia is beyond me (at least that's what Oprah said). When asked about the teachings of the school, an anonymous source indicated that the practices were not that radical. In fact, the school does not endorse suicide bombings against Americans conducted by women and children. Additionally, this school's interpretation of Jihad is get Muslims to run for Congress in the United States and take over the country in an elected fashion.

Driving Distractions

We all do it. We use cell phones when we drive. We drink sodas and tea. We fiddle with our CD's and our satellite radio devices. We look at maps. Some of us shave with electric razors. Ladies - I've seen more than one of you applying mascara while going 70. I've even witnessed a woman breastfeeding in I-795. Now that's multitasking to the extreme!

If Norman R. Stone Jr, an elected Democratic idiot representing Baltimore County's 6th District, gets his way, not only will it be illegal to use your cell phone, it will be illegal to do anything that can randomly and subjectively be considered distracting. This means you can't change your pants, you watch your portable DVD player, you can't read a book. Heck, this may even mean that you're not allowed to turn around and look at your kids or wife. My wife can be distracting sometimes. Is she no longer going to be allowed in the car? What do you do about school buses? Are middle school bus drivers no longer going to be allowed to drive home middle schoolers? If I seem to recall correctly, middle schoolers tend to be slightly knuckle-headed. What's worse - hot sexy women won't be allowed to drive naked anymore. I've heard the urban legends, never seen it, but I'm sure it's true.

Kerry's Out

John Kerry announced today that his exploratory committee has decided that it would not be in his best interests at this time to run for President in 2008. An inside source indicated that Hillary Clinton roadhouse kicked everyone on the committee and threatened to do the same to JFK. After 15 minutes of sobbing, begging and pleading, Queen Hillary granted him peace and agreed to not kick his donkey if he agreed to drop out of the race. She then submitted a nonbinding bill to the Senate requesting that no other Senators kick his donkey either. The only nay vote was from Barbara Mikulski, who we think enjoys kicking his ankles.


In California, the state that believes the government can help your lives by regulating all of your actions for you, Sally Lieber introduced a bill to ban spanking, punishable by a $1000 fine and a year in prison. If this law was in effect in 1978, I think my dad would still be in prison. Speaking of prison, will they make room for spankers by letting more murderers out?

Star Wars Flaws

This is for fun. Now that my 4 year old has seen all of the movies (I watched them with him), I am now refreshed of all of the Star Wars sequence of events. Plus my son is totally obsessed with the movies and makes any long object a lightsabre which begins to whack things around the house.

In Return of the Jedi, Luke asks Leah if she remembered her mother. She said that she does a little and remembers that she was very beautiful. This is when Luke reveals that he is her brother. However, in Revenge of the Sith, Padme dies while giving birth to Leah and Luke.

In A New Hope, R2D2 and C3PO go on a search on Tatooine looking for Obi Wan Kenobi. Once he is found, Luke informs them that he found data on R2 indicating that he is the property of someone named Obi Wan. Obi Wan then says that he doesn't remember ever owning any droids. Hello! Did you not spend about 20 years with the 2 of them during the clone wars in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith? I would think that as soon as he saw them, he'd be like, "C3PO, R2D2! How the hell are you?!!!"

At the end of Revenge of the Sith, the newly formed Darth Vader is brought to the bridge of the ship and shown out the window at the construction of the Death Star. Twenty years pass (Luke was just born, then in A New Hope he is about 20) and the Death Star is finally functional. The rebels blow it up. Then 7 years later, a new Death Star is nearing completion and is fully operational. Was it a matter of now that you've built one Death Star, knocking out another shouldn't take much time at all???

And why did Obi-Wan decide to hide Luke on Tatooine? Anakin grew up on Tatooine. Do you think that now that he's Darth Vader, he won't think to look on that planet for his relatives?

In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes to Dagobah to learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master. However, after a few minutes, Yoda gets frustrated with Luke and tells Obi-Wan's spirit that Luke will not be a Jedi. Luke's not ready. He's too old. Did Yoda all of a sudden forget that Luke was intentionally hidden at birth so that he could grow up and be a Jedi and save the universe?

In the Empire Strikes Back, Luke has a vision that his friends are in trouble and he must leave Yoda at the planet of Dagobah. Obi-Wan's spirit speaks to Yoda and says that Luke is their last hope. Yoda, in an mystic voice, replies, "There is another." No crap! We saw you take the 2 twins from Padme at the end of Revenge of the Sith, so we know that there are 2. Obi-Wan said he'd take Luke and Bail Organa (Jimmy Smits) agreed to take Leah to Alderaan. We didn't know this in the out-of-sequence of the movies, but now that they are done through the first 3 books, it seems kind of silly that Obi-Wan forgot about Leah.

Football Moron of the Day

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

This Kid's In Trouble

Guess which kid is going to get some intervention and be put on Ritalin? (click on the picture to make it larger!)

Political Quiz

Some people think that they are moderates or conservatives. I consider myself in the middle because most of my friends are pretty far to the right. I met someone several years ago who claimed to be conservative because most of his friends were pretty far to the left. After a while, he realized that he was pretty far to the left of me, which, if I am not mistaken, makes his friends card-carrying communists.

Take this quiz and find out where you stand!

Monday, January 22, 2007

O'Malley Reorganizes the Imperial Senate

O'Malley on Emissions

O'Malley is beginning to make changes. We've always known that Marty is fascinated with Hollywood. While Ehrlich battled with the brain-challenged Maryland legislature, O'Malley gallivanted down Rodeo Drive soliciting donations for his beauty pageant, I mean election. This week, he pushed his plan to make Maryland more like California (Ca-lee-full-nee-ah if you're Governor Arnold) by submitting his agenda to pass car emissions similar to the California emissions standards, you know - the ones that Rob Roddy always mentioned when someone could win a new car on the Price is Right. "Comes complete with automatic transmission and California emissions."

On Education

Darth Martin also will request a freeze on tuition at the University of Maryland. That leaves the open question as to whether Gary William's salary will stay at $2 million or whether it can still go to $3 million next year. Moreover, this almost certainly means that the school budget will go into deficit next year and courses will need to be cancelled and teachers fired. Emperor Martin will spin this by saying that he is helping to streamline the bloated system developed by greedy corporate interests.

Task Forces

Fearless O'Malley has also created several task forces to help him make decisions, because as an honest politician, he admits that he doesn't know crap. The first task force will study how the state buys vaccines. A Republican stated that he could ask Peter Franchot since he is now the Comptroller, sits down the hall, and he signs the checks that pay the bills. However, fearing that the dark side of the force is strong with young Petie, it would be best to do this with a newly formed committee, which, coincidentally, will help create jobs for hard working Marylanders. The new task force will be called the Vaccination Troopers, clones created on Kamino.

More Education

Always eager to help city children, 5,000 Baltimore City school students had their dream come true when they were kicked out of school on Monday for not meeting the state's vaccination requirements. This brought the number of students actually in school to negative 352. Martin O'Malley stated that had his task force of cloned troopers been in place earlier to study the issue, this crises could have been averted. He suspects that the previous governor, Bob Ehrlich deceptively left this situation hidden so that it would rear its ugly head right as O'Malley's new administration was starting. Reached on a golf course in Florida, Ehrlich stated that all evil liars eventually get what they have coming to them.

And Football

The Chicago Bears made it to the Super Bowl for the first time in 20 plus years. This was the catalyst for the expert ESPN analysts to again call for the benching of Rex Grossman because the Bears will not get any further because Grossman is too inconsistent, too prone to errors, and not a competent player. The Bears' abysmal 15-3 record is evidence that something must be done and must be done fast.

On the other side of the league, the Colts formerly known as the Baltimore Colts put a spanking on the New England Patriots. When asked why the Patriots stopped playing in the second half, quarterback Tom Brady commented that, "I have too many damn Super Bowl rings. They are really starting to weigh my hand down." Also providing comment, deceased owner Bob Irsay commented that he will never move the Colts out of Indianapolis, especially in the middle of the night. Unless of course Oklahoma City was willing to give them a domed stadium and money.

Oh, yeah, and Hockey

For uneducated sports fans from Baltimore, you can stop reading now. For the rest of you, the NHL All-Star game is on Wednesday. The games was going to be played on ESPN8, the ocho, the obscure sports channel. However, they will preempt the game with 5 guys sitting around a table playing Texas hold'em. Like anybody freakin' cares. It's now going to be on Versus. What's that???

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Liar Liar


You may remember that Martin O'Malley berated Bob Ehrlich constantly during the debates for governor about not fully funding Thorton, the plan to improve the state's schools. Ehrlich only funded the mandatory components. O'Malley promised to fully fund all components. Not even being in office yet, O'Malley has promised to break one of his promises. He will not fully fund Thorton and there ain't nuthin' (I mean nuthin'!) you can do about it. O'Malley is counting on Marylanders bad memories when he runs for office again in 2010.

In a related story, director Tom Shadyac has asked O'Malley if he would star in the sequel to the 1997 hit, Liar Liar. It is expected that O'Malley would replace Jim Carrey as Fletcher Role. This would not be Martin O'Malley's first attempt at acting. He was cast for the role of Lloyd Christmas, another Jim Carrey character, for the sequel to Dumb and Dumber. Unfortunately for our new supreme leader of Maryland, director Peter Farrelly said that he didn't actually want the actor to be stupid, just the character in the movie.

Get In On That

Baltimore, always on the move to break records, has seen 15 murders in 10 days. Through the first 9 days of the year, there were 9 murders. We took to the streets of Baltimore to see if city school students could extrapolate that to estimate the crime rate for an entire year. We even gave them a hint that a year has 365 days. Most answers were, "like a million or something?".

Sadly, a Baltimore City Police officer was one of the victims. He was shot and killed after work by a punk who had been arrested 17 times. And this doesn't include his juvenile record. Baltimore Police Colonel Fred Bealefeld was on television explaining that Brandon Grimes, the killer, was arrested and put in jail for over 4 days and had his gun taken away from him. He then was arrested 2 weeks later with another gun. This gun was confiscated and he was put in jail for an additional 8 days. Police cannot fathom how the killer got another gun, let alone how he did not learn his lesson that killing people is not nice.


With all of this unexplainable crime in Baltimore City, the public school system has decided to institute a new curriculum. Some of the new classes that will be offered in school are:

Drive-By's - the Art of Duck and Cover
Stop Snitchin' - Homemade DVD's Made Easy
Economics of Converting kilos into Dime Bags
Proper Body Armor
A special class sponsored by Fodor's - Baltimore on 3 Bullets a Day
Retirement Planning - Who The Hell Lives That Long?
A Special one day class - the History of Great Baltimore Mayors.

Monday, January 08, 2007

2007 Predictions

Baltimore Mayor

The office of Mayor is up for election in 2007. The totally corrupt and incompetent Sheila Dixon currently holds the position by default. She's the President of the City Council. She will be handily defeated by Keiffer Mitchell Jr, who was just demoted by Stephanie Rawlings Blake in a move to make him look bad. However, Sheila Dixon looks so bad that it won't make a difference. It didn't help that she tried copying a deputy mayor in Spain, María Dolores Jim©nez, who posed nude for a publicity stunt. Fortunately for JimÃnez, she's a bomb shell.

Governor After being crowned Sir King Martin O'Malley, his royal hieny (Sade Bederinwa was not seen at the inauguration), will declare that he will not raise taxes, but he will increases spending. He will spend more money on school construction and in education because the Governor of Maryland should start caring about the children again.

O'Malley will claim to fully fund Thorton (he took full advantage of criticizing Ehrlich for not fully funding it), though he has already promised not to fully fund it. This flip flopping causes every single intelligent person to start calling O'Malley a flip-flopper. This offends the Democrats and especially John Kerry, since he laid claim to the title during the 2004 Presidential Election. O'Malley will then raise fees and property taxes, which don't count as taxes, except when you're criticizing Ehrlich for doing that same thing.

Presidential Race Since Oprah has already claimed that Barack Obama already won the Presidential race of 2008, he will have to be on every single news program every day. He is pissed off, however, than he cannot smoke in the Capitol anymore. Hush! Can't let the libs find out that there's a smoker among their ranks! However, there is no word that he is upset that he can no longer dabble in a little blow, a claim he made in his 1995 memoir, "Dreams of My Father", who, coincidentally, was named Hussein.


The Orioles

The Orioles were busier than usual this off-season. They actually signed a free agent, Aubry Huff. This should solidify the Oriole's goal of coming in 4th place for the 9th (?) consecutive time. They did win an award recently - the worst team in MLB.

Maryland Terps
I predict the Terps will win the NCAA Tournament. Too bad I'm talking about the ladies. They look good. The men will make it to the tournament, but will bow out in the second round losing to someone like Marquette.

The Ravens will again make it to the playoffs, but will lose to the Colts. Peyton Manning will continue to be celebrated as the greatest quarterback of our time, though he'll never have a Super Bowl ring to support targumentent. Meanwhile, Tom Brady, perhaps the second or third best quarterback in the AFC East, will eventually retire with a Super Bowl ring on each fingers saying, "Whatever."

There will be no hockey in Maryland in 2007. This prediction has held true since the Bandits left Baltimore in 1997.

Intelligent people don't like the NBA, and since you're reading this, you must be intelligent, so I need not make any mention here.


Fidel Castro will not die, but he will be buried in April. Throngs of sobbing Cubans, including Cindy Sheehan, who now celebrates the political achievements of Cuba, will be seen crowding the streets mourning for the man who took all of their possessions, their wealth, and their ability to travel abroad. Meanwhile, the streets of Miami will be filled with throngs of celebrating people, cheering and looting.

The economy will continue to thrive across the nation as George Bush is hounded by the media for being unable to stimulate a stagnant economy, shunted by the war in Iraq.

Locally, Baltimore will celebrate when another store decides to open in the city creating 11 more jobs. However, the first 15 employees at the store will either be shot or robbed during their first week on the job, causing the establishment to close.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Things That Drive Me Nuts

Things That Drive Me Nuts

The words interesting and extra have been replaced by "Extreme". Animal Planet shows "Extreme" animals that breed fast. Sour patch kids that are extra sour are extreme. Surveys now ask if you are a) extremely dissatisfied, dissatisfied, satisfied, or extremely dissatisfied with their overuse of the word extreme.

Coupons. Anyone who uses coupons knows what I'm talking about here. Once you were able to save $1.00 or 2 boxes of cereal. Now the new coupons excitedly inform you that you can "Save $1.00 or 5 boxes!!!"

Miller Light bragging that they won the World Beer Cup for the 4th time, failing to mention that they were in one of 85 categories, their category being American Style Light lager. They beat out Budweiser and Michelob. Whoop-dee-doo. I heard that water placed a closer 4th.

Breaking news - why is every news story on the local news "breaking"? Breaking news has been everything from a car fire on the beltway to a couple of teenagers stuck on a rock on the Gunpowder River. Give it a rest! If it ain't a big deal, it ain't breaking news.

Conveniently located - you know if a business advertises that they are conveniently located, they are located in the middle of flippin' nowhere. Nothing is conveniently located for everybody.

The Big 10 - the sports press really irks me. I'm talking to you ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Fox Sports, etc... Why do you all think that the Big 10(11) is so great? First of all, there are 11 teams in your conference. Time to start calling it the Big 11. You may be able to fool your students, but you can't fool the rest of us. We can count.

Speaking of counting, let's count how many times the Big 11 has won the ACC/Big 10 Challenge in basketball. That would And football - the SEC gets a bad rap. Why? Because they are forced to play the other really good football teams - like Georgia, Alabama, Auburn, Florida...and guess where they play? In the SEC. Someone has to lose those games. A couple of Big 10 teams run the field every year in conference play and look great, only to get their donkeys kicked in the bowl games.

And when it comes to football, don't even get me started on Notre Dame! Oh, wait. It's too late. Did you know that Notre Dame has lost 9 consecutive bowl games? Central Michigan has won more bowl games in the last 10 years. Perhaps Central Michigan will get an exclusive contract with ABC.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2006 - A Year in Review

Year in Review

Oh, what a year it was. And living in Baltimore, no one fails to fulfill their idiotic labels.

To begin the year, Baltimore's favorite communist, Michael Olesker, resigned from his position at The Sun after he was fired for plagiarism. He attributed it to a misunderstanding. In a related comment, if you type "Olesker" into MS-Word, the Spell-Check wants to replace it with "Loser".

January also saw the deaths of 12 miners at the Sago Mine in Buckhannon, West Virginia. Fred Phelps, the pastor of the devil's Westboro Baptist Church, protested at the funeral to announce that God hates miners. These are the same nuts that celebrated the deaths of the Mr. Rogers, Pope John Paul II, Katrina victims, and our soldiers who died in war. Apparently God hates everyone except the people at Westboro Baptist Church. Who knew that God was in cahoots with the devil?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl in February. They were an automatic candidate to win it again. Despite starting the season 2-6, Sports Illustrated declared them still the best team in the AFC North. The Steelers are now golfing in Florida while the Ravens prepare for the playoffs.

The Academy Awards show was held among the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles on March 5th with much pomp and circumstance. I could care less, so I couldn't even tell you who won.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes celebrated their out-of-wedlock childbirth. Reports that he was going to name the baby Matt Lauer turned out to be false. Others believed the baby would be named Xenu, named after the alien ruler that populated the Earth when they came to our planet in DC-8's, according to Scientology. But this was false, too.

United Airlines declared bankruptcy for the 17th time. This follows Delta and Northwest's declarations of bankruptcy in 2005.

Dick Cheney shoots his friend Harry Whittington in the face while hunting. Vice President Cheney said that it was a misunderstanding.

In March, 50,000 illegal aliens protested in the streets of L.A. about a proposed crackdown on illegal aliens. Many demonstrated why they should be allowed to stay in America by flying the flag of the United States upside down. Ben Cardin responded by proposing free driver's licenses to illegal aliens. In a related story, in Dallas, an apartment complex is being sued by the ACLU for not renting to illegal aliens. Perhaps they should change their policy to rent to illegal aliens that have valid driver's licenses.

While enjoying the 80 degree weather in North Carolina in June, the Carolina Hurricanes defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. Did you hear the one about the hockey team from North Carolina? They drowned during spring training.

Also in June, the World Cup was held. Millions of contractors from around the world were fixated on the television broadcasts of the tournament in the lunch rooms of companies all across America. When asked about the tournament, most Americans responded that they just don't like hockey that much.

In July, Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France. Several days later, his pee-pee test came back testing positive for unusually high levels of testosterone. After initially blaming Barry Bonds and Miguel Tejada for rubbing him down with some muscle cream, he later blamed improper testing procedures.

There was no news in Cuba in July, especially about Fidel Castro and his relinquishing of power to brother Rau'l. No one has seen or heard from him since then, but every one of his ministers claims that the billionaire dictator is doing just fine.

Rosie O'Donnell got fatter and more obnoxious. Even Donald Trump agrees with me on that one.

July continued to be a busy month as Israel invaded Syrian-controlled Lebanon after several Israeli troops were kidnapped and rockets were fired into their country. After thoroughly getting their donkey kicked, Lebanon lay in a vast wasteland of rubble, fire, and debris. The United States and other countries quickly condemned the action and requested that Israel withdrawal. Israel listened and promptly withdrew. Lebanon then quickly claimed victory for driving out the invaders.

In August, airlines and airports went on alert when they heard that people were going to use bottled water to start fires on planes. They then banned toothpaste, shower gel, and all other liquidy substances. These folks to the right were seen leaving Baltimore-Washington Thurgood Marshall International Airport after a 6 hour flight from Los Angeles.

Andre Agassi retired from tennis after the U.S. Open. Many pulled out their sports almanac to verify that Agassi has actually been active in tennis for the past 15 years.

Mel Gibson was arrested for drunken driving and then got into an anti-Semitic tirade with the arresting officer. Michael Richardson was called in to mitigate the situation, but he soon lost control and blamed the problems on the blacks. The Reverend Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson jumped in and demanded restitution in the order of large sums of money to the Rainbow Coalition, which would be used to spread anti-Semitic messages.

John Mark Karr was arrested in Thailand and brought to the United States for questioning in the murder investigation of JobBenet Ramsey. Karr proved to be a total nut with no connections to the murder, but police desperately tried to convict him on something because he just seemed so damned creepy.

North Korea claimed to detonate a nuclear device. North Korean dictator-in-command, Kim Jong Il, claimed he was protesting a decision by the State Department to stop exporting James Bond, Rambo, and Friday the 13th movies. North Korea's immortal President, Kim Il-Sung, who has been dead since 1994, but still holds title of President, could not be reached for comment. L. Ron Hubbard said he'd get back to us.

Pluto was demoted to the minor leagues after scientists determined that it was in fact a dwarf planet. This was good news to Baltimore City Schools, because now there would be one less planet that their students couldn't remember.

Google purchased for $1.65 billion. This makes youtube more valuable than 6 power plants that were recently sold by Constellation Energy to the Tenaska Power Fund. Companies soon discover that their employees suddenly stopped working hard and started looking at Youtube and mySpace all day. These two sights are immediately blocked, but work efficiency has not improved. Companies are still investigating.

At 8am on October 18th, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 7 to the cheering throngs of supporters. At 8:01 a.m., hackers successfully found 417 holes to compromise the users' computers. A fixpack is in the works and is expected in 2014.

The Orioles achieved their objective of coming in 4th place again. In the off-season, the Braves moved to trade Adam LaRoche and Marcus Giles to the Orioles for future stars Hayden Penn and Brian Roberts. Angelos steps in and rejects the trade. The generous Braves then release Giles.

With much jubilation from Oprah and Matt Lauer, Madonna kidnapped a child from Malawi. Many liberals were absolutely offended that people were upset that Madonna got away with breaking another country's laws. Most people agree, however, that if Madonna wanted to kidnap children whose parents were jeopardizing their children's' welfare, then she should have kidnapped Britney Spear's children.

In late October, it was reported that the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series against the Detroit Tigers. Several people who saw announcement scroll along at the bottom of the screen while watching the monthly Poker Championship on ESPN2 confirmed the authenticity of this report.

The United States population reached 300 million. The Census Bureau estimates that almost half of those people are here legally. Most, however, still hang out in the parking lot of Home Depot in Northern Virginia looking for work as day laborers.

Late in October, John Kerry meant that he supports troops when he said, "You know, education , if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq." He claimed it was a misunderstanding. I think John Kerry is just a jerk.

In November, voters punished Republicans for continuing to support the War in Iraq by voting in Democrats all across the nation who now control the House and the Senate. Immediately after receiving their 'mandate', the Democrats began calling for more troops to be sent to Iraq.

On November 17th, Playstation 3 was released. Ironically, it is estimated that 65% of all IT people called out sick on the same day, the highest total since Star Wars Episode III was released in 2005.

Despite an 80% approval rating with Marylanders, Governor Bob Ehrlich was kicked out of office by one of the members of the Maryland political Mafia, Martin O'Malley. O'Malley received 99% of all female votes when he promised to take his shirt off at his next rock concert. Maryland immediately heads into a recession.

Britney Spears kicked her role-model husband, Kevin Federline out after he cheated on her 277 times. Britney then forgets that she's a mother of 2 children and goes on a pantiless drunken rampage through L.A. with Paris Hilton. America immediately became turned off when this former sex-symbol flashed her Cesarean-scarred nether region while getting out of a car. She said that the incident was a misunderstanding.

Baltimore ended the year with 274 murders. Sheila Dixon, the mayor-default when Pretty-Boy O'Malley takes over as Supreme Leader of Maryland, blames the increase in murders on George Bush's war in Iraq. Her logic is that if the troops were not in Baghdad, they could be patrolling Monument Street. Most troops in Iraq, however, fear moving into a more dangerous region of the world.

On December 26th, the United States lost its 38th President, Gerald Ford. Never elected to the White House, he ascended to the seat of Vice President after Spiro Agnew, another stellar Maryland politician, resigned after being charged with tax evasion. He then became President after Richard Nixon resigned after the Watergate invasion, which started the press' fascination with ending every crime with "gate". President Ford's best quote: "I'm a Ford, not a Lincoln."

Steven Jobs was investigated for subscribing 7.5 million back-dated options to himself. Despite lying that the options were approved by a special board meeting that never happened, an internal investigation at Apple could find no wrong-doing, but promised to monitor its practices more carefully in the future. Jobs, laughing is donkey off, said that he has proven that famous good looking guys who run cool companies who sell iPods can do whatever they want and not be held accountable.

Former terrorist and dictator, Saddam Hussein was executed. His last reported statement was, "Rosebud". The New York Times is in mourning as they had to cross-off one of their running mate hopefuls for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Ironically, Obama's father is Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, just like Saddam. Everyone on the Today Show was upset, as well. Everyone, that is, except Meredith Vieira, who probably doesn't know who Saddam is anyway.

That's the year in review as I see it. Stay tuned for my predictions for 2007. It's a doozy!

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