2007 - A Year in Review

January

In January, China started the new year by conducting anti-terror raids in Xinjiang. The raids were conducted by terrorizing the residents of the town.

Not to be outdone, Democrats in the House of Representatives do their own terrorizing by selected Nancy Pelosi as the new Speaker of the House. Soon after, the Doomsday Clock is set to 5 minutes to midnight, though they declare that Pelosi's promotion was not related.

Later in January, in a show of good faith, Israel releases $100 million in frozen assets to President Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinians. He immediately purchases $100 million in suicide bombing packages.

On January 30^th, Microsoft releases Microsoft Vista and Office 2007 to little fanfare. Patches were available later in the day to fix severe securities flaws.

On the last day of the month, Delta Air Lines, which is in its 17^th bankruptcy, rejects U.S. Airways' hostile takeover. Apparently U.S. Airways bankruptcy terms’ were not as good.

February

The Indianapolis Colts defeat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Despite only have 1 Super Bowl ring to Tom Brady's 3 rings, Peyton Manning is immediately declared the best quarterback in the history of the universe.

Illinois' junior Senator Barak Hussein Obama declares his candidacy for President. Oprah immediately endorses him and Stedmen mysteriously disappears.

The 49^th Grammy Award Show was held in the Staples Center in Los Angeles. To raise ratings, the event is held during a Lakers’ game. Kobe Bryant fails to win an award, or score a triple double.

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il agrees to shut down their nuclear facilities after the United States agrees to provide the complete series of Knight Rider on DVD.

March

Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of the current members of the band showed up to receive the award. David Lee Roth claims he wasn't sure if he was still the lead singer.

Major League Baseball player Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attacking employees on his farm with a machete and pouring gasoline on them. In his defense, he declared, "it's not like a took steroids or anything!"

April

In early April, the Greek cruise ship M/S Sea Diamond strikes a reef and sinks within 24 hours. It was said that the ship sank almost as fast as Christopher Dodd's presidential campaign.

Nappy-haired Don Imus calls the Rutgers basketball team a "bunch of nappy headed hoes". Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson demand Imus' immediate execution. Imus is fired from CBS, but starts another show, but this time he actually hires a nappy headed hoe as a co-host.

Dennis Kucinich introduces articles to Congress to impeach Dick Cheney. Unfortunately for Kucinich, he later sees UFO's and goes on record stating confirming the sighting and saying that even Jimmy Carter saw a UFO, so he must be normal.

May

Rupert Murdoch, the CEO of News Corp and owner of the Fox News Channel, announces plans to purchase Dow Jones, publisher of the Wall Street Journal. Left-wing liberal editors across the nation criticize the purchase saying that Murdoch’s libertarian influence will affect the neutrality of the editorial staff.

18,000 Mexicans pose nude for photographer Spencer Tunik in Mexico City. After the photo shoot, they get dressed and illegally immigrate to the United States. They now work at the McDonald’s in Glen Burnie.

DaimlerChrysler announces that it has sold most of Chrysler to a private equity firm. Originally paying $35 billion for Chrysler, Daimler sells the company for $7 Billion, and some beads and trinkets.

June

The Anaheim Ducks defeat the Ottawa Senators to win the NHL Stanley Cup. On a sad note, 3 Ducks players were hospitalized when trying to practice on a pond in the middle of Los Angeles in June.

A week after the hockey title, the NBA crowns the San Antonio Spurs as Champions over LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron promises to do better when the new season starts next week.

Bob Barker steps down from The Price is Right. He's immediately neutered and put up for adoption.

WWE wrestler Chris Benoit is found dead along with his wife and son. It is suspected that their deaths were caused by rage induced by steroids when they find lots of steroids and rage in the house.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair steps down and M from the James Bond series is appointed the new Prime Minister. He immediately changes his name to Gordon Brown.

Apple releases the iPhone. Philadelphia goes into a panic when Fox News shows the mayor camping out in a lawn chair outside of one of the stores. John Edwards calls him and asks why he didn't just send a staffer like he did.

July

Hong Kong celebrates 10 years of Chinese rule. 4000 journalists and professors are rounded up and arrested for practicing free thought. They are soon put to work applying shiny lead paint to toys to be sold at Wal-Mart.

Dick Cheney becomes acting President for 2 ½ hours while George Bush undergoes a colonoscopy. Cheney went the entire time without shooting anyone in the face, while doctors confirmed that there’s as much shit in Bush's colon as there is coming out of his mouth.

Millions of nerds writhing from the lack of new Star Wars releases flock to book stores for J.K. Rowling's release of the newest Harry Potter book.

August

Boys Scouts of America celebrates its 100^th anniversary since the group was founded, and also celebrates that it's been 2 years since its last sexual predator scandal.

Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's record of 755 home runs. The ball lands in Missouri 4 hours later. Meanwhile, Bonds' eyelids explode while he is denying steroids usage during a press conference after the game.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig is arrested for lewd contact in a men’s room at an airport. He then announces that he will resign, but changes his mind. He then announces his will plead guilty to the charges, then changes his mind, then changes his mind once again. However, amidst the controversy and to the disappointment of Johns in johns, he declares that he’s still not gay.

The Texas Rangers defeat the Orioles 30-3. After the game, Peter Angelos promises to sign better veterans and rid the team of the pesky young talent.

September

The Federal Reserve lowers interest rates by 0.5% to ease the financial crisis that is spurred by the credit crunch caused by the high risk mortgage defaults. Hillary Clinton then announces that she will support legislation that will reward both the lenders who provided these loans to people who didn't qualify and also reward those who didn’t pay their mortgage.

Van Halen announces their reunion concert tour. The band is reunited with Eddie Van Halen's under-aged son Wolfgang and former lead singer David Lee Roth. Gray-haired groupies and fat middle-aged men flock to Ticketmaster to scoop up the hot tickets. The concert tour opens in the small town of Charlotte, NC.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaks to students at Columbia University in New York City. He is greeted with laughter when he announces that there are no homosexuals in Iran, just homicidal bombers.

October

The Boston Red Sox defeat the Colorado Rockies in the World Series. Unfortunately, no one saw the games because football season had already started.

President Pervez Musharref declares state of emergency in Pakistan after he learns Benazir Bhutto may challenge him in the upcoming elections. He later has her killed and declares that election laws in Pakistan do not prohibit candidates from executing their opponents.

The Baltimore Ravens begin a +9 game losing streak. Coach Brian Billick claims that the team continues to show poise and character. Unfortunately, they are unable to show wins. In a related story, the self-proclaimed Goof on the Roof declares to stay on the roof of his house until the Ravens win a game. Many suspect that he will be up there for several years. He is later arrested for failing to pay child support and changes his name to the Dufus on the Roofus.

November

Washington Redskin Sean Taylor is killed in his home in Miami. None of the gang members that were involved in Taylor's previous arrests claim to know anything about it.

The Maryland General Assembly passes a revenue adjustment bill that only affects the rich. Unfortunately, they define rich as anyone who holds a job. State sales tax is raised by 20% along with other tax increases. House Delegates Anne Kaiser and Craig Rice continue to remove this fact from their Wikipedia pages, but diligent editors keep adding it back.

NFL Quarterback Michael Vick begins serving a sentence for running a dog fighting ring. In his defense he claims, “It’s not like I was a major league baseball player taking steroids!”

December

George Mitchell releases what’s come to be known as the Mitchell Report, implicating dozens of baseball players for taking steroids and human growth hormones. The public as a whole releases a calm “duh”, while the press is outraged and shocked at this careless report. 45 year-old Roger Clemens, who is named in the report, continues to deny the claims, as he throws 180 mph fastballs at his critics.

Teenage middle school children go crazy on the MTA buses in Baltimore. Several white people are severely beaten. Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon claims that they are investigating the matter while the attorney of one of the criminals states that the white girl beat her face against the shoes of his client. The crime spree continues to several weeks, encouraging more white middle class people to use public transportation.

New Jersey bans the death penalty. Murderers across the state celebrate. Other criminals decide that they too will run for political office.