Vote No'Malley: 2006 - A Year in Review

Year in Review

Oh, what a year it was. And living in Baltimore, no one fails to fulfill their idiotic labels.

To begin the year, Baltimore's favorite communist, Michael Olesker, resigned from his position at The Sun after he was fired for plagiarism. He attributed it to a misunderstanding. In a related comment, if you type "Olesker" into MS-Word, the Spell-Check wants to replace it with "Loser".

January also saw the deaths of 12 miners at the Sago Mine in Buckhannon, West Virginia. Fred Phelps, the pastor of the devil's Westboro Baptist Church, protested at the funeral to announce that God hates miners. These are the same nuts that celebrated the deaths of the Mr. Rogers, Pope John Paul II, Katrina victims, and our soldiers who died in war. Apparently God hates everyone except the people at Westboro Baptist Church. Who knew that God was in cahoots with the devil?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl in February. They were an automatic candidate to win it again. Despite starting the season 2-6, Sports Illustrated declared them still the best team in the AFC North. The Steelers are now golfing in Florida while the Ravens prepare for the playoffs.

The Academy Awards show was held among the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles on March 5th with much pomp and circumstance. I could care less, so I couldn't even tell you who won.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes celebrated their out-of-wedlock childbirth. Reports that he was going to name the baby Matt Lauer turned out to be false. Others believed the baby would be named Xenu, named after the alien ruler that populated the Earth when they came to our planet in DC-8's, according to Scientology. But this was false, too.

United Airlines declared bankruptcy for the 17th time. This follows Delta and Northwest's declarations of bankruptcy in 2005.

Dick Cheney shoots his friend Harry Whittington in the face while hunting. Vice President Cheney said that it was a misunderstanding.

In March, 50,000 illegal aliens protested in the streets of L.A. about a proposed crackdown on illegal aliens. Many demonstrated why they should be allowed to stay in America by flying the flag of the United States upside down. Ben Cardin responded by proposing free driver's licenses to illegal aliens. In a related story, in Dallas, an apartment complex is being sued by the ACLU for not renting to illegal aliens. Perhaps they should change their policy to rent to illegal aliens that have valid driver's licenses.

While enjoying the 80 degree weather in North Carolina in June, the Carolina Hurricanes defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. Did you hear the one about the hockey team from North Carolina? They drowned during spring training.

Also in June, the World Cup was held. Millions of contractors from around the world were fixated on the television broadcasts of the tournament in the lunch rooms of companies all across America. When asked about the tournament, most Americans responded that they just don't like hockey that much.

In July, Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France. Several days later, his pee-pee test came back testing positive for unusually high levels of testosterone. After initially blaming Barry Bonds and Miguel Tejada for rubbing him down with some muscle cream, he later blamed improper testing procedures.

There was no news in Cuba in July, especially about Fidel Castro and his relinquishing of power to brother Rau'l. No one has seen or heard from him since then, but every one of his ministers claims that the billionaire dictator is doing just fine.

Rosie O'Donnell got fatter and more obnoxious. Even Donald Trump agrees with me on that one.

July continued to be a busy month as Israel invaded Syrian-controlled Lebanon after several Israeli troops were kidnapped and rockets were fired into their country. After thoroughly getting their donkey kicked, Lebanon lay in a vast wasteland of rubble, fire, and debris. The United States and other countries quickly condemned the action and requested that Israel withdrawal. Israel listened and promptly withdrew. Lebanon then quickly claimed victory for driving out the invaders.

In August, airlines and airports went on alert when they heard that people were going to use bottled water to start fires on planes. They then banned toothpaste, shower gel, and all other liquidy substances. These folks to the right were seen leaving Baltimore-Washington Thurgood Marshall International Airport after a 6 hour flight from Los Angeles.

Andre Agassi retired from tennis after the U.S. Open. Many pulled out their sports almanac to verify that Agassi has actually been active in tennis for the past 15 years.

Mel Gibson was arrested for drunken driving and then got into an anti-Semitic tirade with the arresting officer. Michael Richardson was called in to mitigate the situation, but he soon lost control and blamed the problems on the blacks. The Reverend Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson jumped in and demanded restitution in the order of large sums of money to the Rainbow Coalition, which would be used to spread anti-Semitic messages.

John Mark Karr was arrested in Thailand and brought to the United States for questioning in the murder investigation of JobBenet Ramsey. Karr proved to be a total nut with no connections to the murder, but police desperately tried to convict him on something because he just seemed so damned creepy.

North Korea claimed to detonate a nuclear device. North Korean dictator-in-command, Kim Jong Il, claimed he was protesting a decision by the State Department to stop exporting James Bond, Rambo, and Friday the 13th movies. North Korea's immortal President, Kim Il-Sung, who has been dead since 1994, but still holds title of President, could not be reached for comment. L. Ron Hubbard said he'd get back to us.

Pluto was demoted to the minor leagues after scientists determined that it was in fact a dwarf planet. This was good news to Baltimore City Schools, because now there would be one less planet that their students couldn't remember.

Google purchased Youtube.com for $1.65 billion. This makes youtube more valuable than 6 power plants that were recently sold by Constellation Energy to the Tenaska Power Fund. Companies soon discover that their employees suddenly stopped working hard and started looking at Youtube and mySpace all day. These two sights are immediately blocked, but work efficiency has not improved. Companies are still investigating.

At 8am on October 18th, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 7 to the cheering throngs of supporters. At 8:01 a.m., hackers successfully found 417 holes to compromise the users' computers. A fixpack is in the works and is expected in 2014.

The Orioles achieved their objective of coming in 4th place again. In the off-season, the Braves moved to trade Adam LaRoche and Marcus Giles to the Orioles for future stars Hayden Penn and Brian Roberts. Angelos steps in and rejects the trade. The generous Braves then release Giles.

With much jubilation from Oprah and Matt Lauer, Madonna kidnapped a child from Malawi. Many liberals were absolutely offended that people were upset that Madonna got away with breaking another country's laws. Most people agree, however, that if Madonna wanted to kidnap children whose parents were jeopardizing their children's' welfare, then she should have kidnapped Britney Spear's children.

In late October, it was reported that the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series against the Detroit Tigers. Several people who saw announcement scroll along at the bottom of the screen while watching the monthly Poker Championship on ESPN2 confirmed the authenticity of this report.

The United States population reached 300 million. The Census Bureau estimates that almost half of those people are here legally. Most, however, still hang out in the parking lot of Home Depot in Northern Virginia looking for work as day laborers.

Late in October, John Kerry meant that he supports troops when he said, "You know, education , if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq." He claimed it was a misunderstanding. I think John Kerry is just a jerk.

In November, voters punished Republicans for continuing to support the War in Iraq by voting in Democrats all across the nation who now control the House and the Senate. Immediately after receiving their 'mandate', the Democrats began calling for more troops to be sent to Iraq.

On November 17th, Playstation 3 was released. Ironically, it is estimated that 65% of all IT people called out sick on the same day, the highest total since Star Wars Episode III was released in 2005.

Despite an 80% approval rating with Marylanders, Governor Bob Ehrlich was kicked out of office by one of the members of the Maryland political Mafia, Martin O'Malley. O'Malley received 99% of all female votes when he promised to take his shirt off at his next rock concert. Maryland immediately heads into a recession.

Britney Spears kicked her role-model husband, Kevin Federline out after he cheated on her 277 times. Britney then forgets that she's a mother of 2 children and goes on a pantiless drunken rampage through L.A. with Paris Hilton. America immediately became turned off when this former sex-symbol flashed her Cesarean-scarred nether region while getting out of a car. She said that the incident was a misunderstanding.

Baltimore ended the year with 274 murders. Sheila Dixon, the mayor-default when Pretty-Boy O'Malley takes over as Supreme Leader of Maryland, blames the increase in murders on George Bush's war in Iraq. Her logic is that if the troops were not in Baghdad, they could be patrolling Monument Street. Most troops in Iraq, however, fear moving into a more dangerous region of the world.

On December 26th, the United States lost its 38th President, Gerald Ford. Never elected to the White House, he ascended to the seat of Vice President after Spiro Agnew, another stellar Maryland politician, resigned after being charged with tax evasion. He then became President after Richard Nixon resigned after the Watergate invasion, which started the press' fascination with ending every crime with "gate". President Ford's best quote: "I'm a Ford, not a Lincoln."

Steven Jobs was investigated for subscribing 7.5 million back-dated options to himself. Despite lying that the options were approved by a special board meeting that never happened, an internal investigation at Apple could find no wrong-doing, but promised to monitor its practices more carefully in the future. Jobs, laughing is donkey off, said that he has proven that famous good looking guys who run cool companies who sell iPods can do whatever they want and not be held accountable.

Former terrorist and dictator, Saddam Hussein was executed. His last reported statement was, "Rosebud". The New York Times is in mourning as they had to cross-off one of their running mate hopefuls for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Ironically, Obama's father is Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, just like Saddam. Everyone on the Today Show was upset, as well. Everyone, that is, except Meredith Vieira, who probably doesn't know who Saddam is anyway.